


Blood in the lungs ft. Dirt in the veins

by Igot2peedou



Category: The Walking Dead (TV), Twd - Fandom, bethyl - Fandom
Genre: Beth Rehka and Rajiv, Brain Damage, Comfort, F/M, Grady Memorial - Freeform, Grady Memorial Hospital, Hurt, Other, Team Family, Team Golden Trio, daryl dixon - Freeform, golden trio in no particular order lol, oh and Emilio...., sexual discourse, twd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 22,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Igot2peedou/pseuds/Igot2peedou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brief AU where Beth Greene digs herself out of her own grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the last one standing

Flaming hot devil's breath.

Thick plumes of soil no air no air-?

I can't breathe! Someone help _please_

_you can't rely on anyone for anythin, (right)-_

 

**UP.**

 

Death nips at her heels

rest here.

( _i'll be gone someday)_

 _no!_ This isn't right, she- I

sh shh fallen angel You deserved better

Broken bleeding 

fingernails scalding  **UP**

just a little mor...

 

Acid claws at her throat.

She heaved, 

( _I'm not michonne. I'm not Carol. I'm not maggie! -_

_but I made it-)_

emptying herself

Vomiting violently, allergic to the truth of her own words

-all of them, everything  **up**

(gots nothin but the blood in her lungs and the dirt in her veins)

 

She is reborn.

 

The callous earth births her

fork tongued 

unforgiving; 

Little ones don't l a s t l o ng out here

 

_You aren't strong_

I am strong.

not strong enough

 

Her mother wants her 

dead. i don't have time

_Maybe you're somebody's burden_

-die; (nurture your kin feed them 

your bones)

that's bullshit.

_Show me._

 

and she'd be damned. 

If she hadn't earned the right 

to live; 

tore her way out of the womb. 

Kickin n screaming ( _Glenn come to Terminus)_

Did... didn't she?

 

she almost  _sobs_

Isn't somebody's burden

isn't just another dead girl

-she is alive.

And so alone, choking on her own bile, caked in the 

stench of soil and blood. 

 

born broken and afraid.

(Yeah momma never gave a damn)

She falls spread eagle 

next to her personal hell.

_goodnight and joy be with yo-_

Screw that;

No one's comin

 _wouldn't kill you to have a little faith_ Faith _?_         Faith ain't done 

 **shit** for us, for  **me** ~~( said it yourself daryl )~~

( _for your dad)_

_wait (greene-)_

No.

c'mon ( _Beth...)_

You can't depend on anyone- for  _ **anything**_ (right ~~?~~ )

_please don't leave me_

_( ** ~~I won't leave you~~ )**_

_never gets better_

no. It doesn't

       You just make room for it.

 

She pushes herself to her feet,

staggering. Wipes the vomit 

dribbling from her chin.

_Stare in to the abyss_

_and the abyss stares back_

(C'mon Bethy. Come back to me)-

why.

 

Why should I ever come back to your icy 

cunt, she screams. (It comes ou t in whimpers that 

make her head ring. but she means it)

( _you weren't meant for the world_

_and that's okay...)_

 

and it hurts.

But she keeps walkin;

her mother tells her she'll be back

(calls for her in the voices of people she once

knew. makes her ache, because it's no t them

but they want her dead too.)

but Beth knows better.

"you did (change)" and yes, she did.

And in a way  **she's** the last one standing.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. swagger of the dead and dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beth is here? or is she

 

 

 

_I still sing_

-yeah what a fucking joke

 ~~how many lies has she told?~~  

( _I don't cry anymore)_

the only thing singing is the numbness in

her joints and her brain;

screaming like an animal chucked in

boilin water.

 

 _left, right_ stumble into a stop

The swagger of the dead

 ~~and~~ dying.

 

she's dippin her hands into the pot. a 

cesspool of shattered glass; think

remember    where am I   why does it

hurt?

**dead or somebody's burden**

oh god oh god, oh god

She's dead. 

 

Isn't she? 

 

No, she tore her way up and out she

can't 

 

can't be  _that_

 

yet  _they_ walk around her,

greet her with sloughing flesh

inching down their chins 

minutely;  _you're one of us now._

Welcome To Damnation we've been waiting 

 

But with less words. 

 

they're like her      can't speak

she tried, knew she could before 

now. now her tongue lay limp

dusty with disuse. 

_How did this work      ?_

move your lips and click your tongue

against your teeth and

And nothing. like her appendages she's

lost the ability to control to wield     all

she can manage is a scratchy groan a

whimper.

 

Yes, she's one of them.

 

has to be  

 

thing is

though, if she concentrates hard enough

after slicing her hands to bits

 

she can remember

a time when she could run

and laugh

and _sing._

 

that's over now, she knows that much:

when she peers past the bloody

gossamer grey her head _rings_

Enemy. enemy enemy enemy 

kill run hide

kilrunhid kiruhi-

 

never again. She belongs with them,

this disgusting brotherhood of rot.

 

(there's a clinking of fences

echoing, crying.)

 

are they in pain too?

she wants to ask but

she's one of the damned.

The damned don't speak (no. they can't)

 

there's a difference.

 

**walk through these gates**

**you're one of us**

 

no.

 

No. He should have shot **him** dead

let **him** choke on  **his** blood.

Let him drown in fear face down.

Dead. (her sister clenches her hand, m.

maggie) 

_hope you go to hell._

 

she isn't sure if this is I'll fate is for

R...rick or the Governor

who do you want to die more?

the answer should be simple. It isn't.

all Rick had to do was **kill** him.

 split the governors wig back. 

 

splatter chunks of matter onto his

followers

 

 _(drink of my blood)_ Anti Christ Eucharist.

it would have been over.

Done.

 

has to be the brain

 

(Serene smile shining through what felt like  miles)

her daddy. Obliterated

 

**we all have jobs to do**

_yeah and yours was to fucking die_

( _and so was mine)_

 

_there's still good people_

but is there? or is it another white lie,

    something she palmed between her

breasts and hoped     ?

Is that what Daryl thought

(angry blue eyes scalding her own)

_you know all about that, huh?_

she wants to reach for more- there must

be more    but it escapes her with an

increased pounding 

 

and oh  _don't you think that's beautiful_

no.

 

Just really fucking tragic.

 

(keep movin' greene)

 

she doesn't want to think anymore. 

Makes her head hurt somethin

awful. so she follows the damned.   Post 

apocalyptic _follow the leader (she did_

_that before too, always_

following) **left right stumble into a**

**stop.**

right back where you started.

Fences. to keep ~~them~~  her out.

 

hulking cold a 

A car. 

 

popped trunk. 

 

hint of familiarity bites at her

white; x's turned on their sides.

Plentiful in a world of of barren

Unfair. _no one's coming_

wrong. She is

(they were)

 

gruesome and crooked it protrudes up, 

shining.      left right stumble into a

(don't s top)

keep going. ( _Almost there)_

where is she going?

was there anywhere left for her

 

she tries to tip her head,   _look_

but a shot of pain ricochets up and down

her vertebrae.

 

she's trying to dislodge the pain by

slowly uncraning her neck ( _'s it hurt?_ ) 

when the door pops open, kicking dust

into her eyes.

She whimpers at the sting.

 

staggers back arms upraised protectively

in front of her face tearing up. Pain is

relative , she must know this now.

the old pain is forgotten and what she

experiences 

now hurts the worst. 

funny how that works, really.

 "Hey you 

what are you-"

Silence

and more

silence, gives way to disbelief.

"B _eth?_ "

"She's alive," a person

yelps in question-

"Shepard that can't,"

 

beth rubs her eyes; sees men and

women clad in 

black rushing at her.

left, right

don't stop.

 

She opens her her mouth and closes it

_I know you look at me and just see_

_another dead girl_

 

 

Well isn't this ironic? 

 

They're looking at her and they 

**_wish_ **

they were seein another dead girl.

her muscles twitch into what could have

been a smile 

 

( _ ~~i was nothing. nobody~~ ) _

 

 _they look at me and see life._ and this

twists her lungs into knots, (breathe) oh.

and then then     she sees black .

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so obviously Beth has some brain damage. her memories are pretty disorientated. She hasn't lost her memory but she doesn't remember things in linear fashion anymore... I would expect her to also have a major personality change, brushing so close to death is really life changing. Some things "normal" Beth would never think/ blame other people for is being dredged up from the deepest darkest parts of her, brought on by her pain and brain damage.
> 
> i mean I'm no expert on head trauma so I'm just kinda playing around to see yknow? 
> 
> the weird poetry style is kinda reflective of her jacked up line of thought.  
> btw most of the memory of digging herself out of her VERY shallow grave (like only 3-4 feet deep) is lost to her because she's in survivor mode. she unconscionably made her way to grady, so far. tune in next time for more lol
> 
> comment if u will thanks.


	3. Hold on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's here and she's there. How bad IS her head wound affecting her? Well....
> 
> Btw the speaking, in italics are supposed to be ambiguous... most of the memory/ dialogue is SUPPOSED to be. We're supposed to be as confused as Beth... Also the "  
> .  
> . " thing kinda reps divergences from actual memory and what Beth's brain is sort of warping.

 

 

 

_you liked that?_

(Gravelly question) shivery nod.

yeah. it felt like... like

_you were apart of somethin_

 

 

She feels her mouth crack,

a smile. he understood.

 

Daryl looks away

 _felt it too_ ( if she didn't know him 

she'd think his admittance was more

then begrudged.) 

 

It's her turn to look away now, off

into the far distance. They were

articulate enough to finish each other's

sentences. (well, sort of)

 

_Beth_

Hm?

 **Beth** ~~Daryl's voice drops into a warble,~~

 ~~fear spikes through~~ ~~her veins, she turns~~

~~to look~~

 

 

"Beth, can you hear me?"

 

girl in question jerks away from a

rubbery grip.     Harsh bright colors slap

cruelly against 

her eyes. ( door slamming against

concrete, blinding white. blinding )

 

half baked bits of memory swarm the

forefront of her brain.

 

 _no no take me back to him! daryl_ "mnpgh!" 

 

( shadows of people brim before her eyes

people. Her people.  _where are you?_ **we**

 **gotta go beth** )

 

GO where? 

the pain increases tenfold,

bubbling underneath her skull.

barely even lucid can't  **s e e**

 

 

can't see through this. this pain. 

 

"Beth, listen to me calm-"

 

Thrashes side to side

  don't let them touch you

"Hey!"

 

His voice, the man's- voice reaches a

new octave.  **BANG.**

 

there's someone else, kneeling beside

her there's a pinch on her arm and

and. Her body's bucking and twisting

slows, the constraints cutting into her

wrists and ankles go slack. 

 

Beth's lowered down into a swell 

of darkness. 

 

(she welcomes it. the only place that makes sense) 

 

 

 

_there's a new sheriff in town_

beth throws her head back and  **laughs,**

shifts judith to her left hip.

(here's my deputy, miss grimes)

Carl laughs when she points her finger

gun at him.

 

Rick, _hear that carl  ?_

 

 

the world fades into something wilder.  

colder, darker, soft and firm all at once. A

different kind of

of...

 

**hear that greene?**

(hear what) 

her hip is briefly palmed,

Beth feels the immediate warmth. 

 she leans back into him for a moment.

wonders

 

if he notices, before diving back into the

present.      It was quiet but there  _were_

many noises  what was he referring to?                    

was it -?

 

**Stop thinking. Use your ears. Listen.**

 

 

 

 

_well he gave her a dime store watch_

_and a ring made from a spoon_

_everyone's lookin for someone to blame_

_if you share my bed_

_you share my name_

 

beth frowned the voice sounded eerily

familiar

.

( i hear it, daryl )

**follow your instincts beth.**

 

.

she nods, follows the hypnotizing lilt

echoing through

the forest. The trees begin to thin out

revealing a stream.

. 

he hands her a pot,  **( can boil it. stake**

 **out here later, animals** 'll  **come )**

.

 

She bends down, scoops up water

the reflection. 

There is none, at first. 

 

Beth peers down harder-

_**CRACK!** _

_her head whips back_

_body dropping, dead weight_

_and falling._

 

he pulls her in his arms, bridal style

(what's happening? What is that what's

going on!)

the're on the forest floor now, huddled

together  so unlike him to to just give _in._

 

she's sobbing now, panic tearing at the

fiber holding      her together.

 

**Beth. Beth- you gotta hold on. Don't fucking quit on me girl.**

   (His callused hand grips her chin,

tilts her head so he can look at her

clearly.)

 

**_Gotta hold on baby_ **

**gotta hold on girl**

and it's her

and it's him

all at once. Indistinguishable.  

 

T h I s isn't real 

 

or maybe it is. Was.

 

( does it matter anymore? )


	4. Day 116

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is she
> 
> We have a bit of a time skip here... basically the missing moments here is the actual recovery. Steven has healed her enough that she isn't on the brink of death but ofc bullets in the head aren't exactly gonna heal quickly. 
> 
> Leave comments pls ily all lol.
> 
> Oh and shout out to AmberSith for being my first comment! Means a lot to me, this chap's dedicated to you:)

 

"Do you understand me?"

 

No, she wants to say.

fuck no I don't.

a low gurgle comes out

instead. This evokes the image

of crowns and dead things.

 

babies and death.

(Judith)

 

She regards the man-

Dr. Steven Edwards with contempt.

He's been asking the same

things. Everyday (116 days to be exact.)

 

most are brittle.

Rushed.

 

Fancy: stretched to the breaking point

Clinical. Regarding the bullet

burrowed in her "cranium"

 

Beth senses the lost memories

reflecting on the clear

squares that he shoves up,

higher onto the bridge of his nose.

She can feel the animosity

and regret.

 

(the actual remembering is the hard

part)

 

But even without remembering , he

leaves a bad taste in her mouth.

 

Some days when he comes into her room

a bud of ugliness blooms in her

chest. Sizzles in the cavity of empty

The way he curls in on himself

the way his eyes flick to the left,

 

unable to keep eye contact.

 

( _don't trust a man who can't look you_

 _in the eye Bethy_ )

( don't trust a man? Pft, don' trust

anyone,) a voice in her head scoffs in

response.

 

Most of all though, she hates his hands.

the way he touches her.

Cold and rubbery: yet.

Yet there is the fact he has the most

clumsie nimble hands she's ever

encountered.

 

(Soft, piano fingers.)

 

Almost reminds her of Daryl's. his could

be so sure. Confident. real.

they could also stutter and hesitate ( lace

around hers ) calloused.

 

Edwards has never

even put one of them down.

Labor; A foreign concept.

 

So there's a hate rooted deeply inside

her. Being cooped up in the room

because of him doesn't help.

 

_( I know what you did )_

_(do you know I know?)_

_(I'll remember everything)_

 

 

 

 Still one of THEM

in more ways then one.

 

Damned don't feel pain.

 

Or they do, and it's become apart of

them in a way it no longer stops them-

Beth is stopped.

 

Stuck. Imprisoned. M.I.A. A.W.O.L.

(prisoner of war)

 

When the pain comes,

and, it always does:

when every nerve in her pretty little

head lights up like a commercialized

Christmas tree- Edwards is there.

IV's and bags of morphine in hand.

 

so. She doesn't trust him for shit

besides numbing the pain. Drugging

her out until drool slides down her

lips. 

 

Beth prefers this over the world

ending pain that plagues her.

 

 

 

 

 

 The first couple times

she woke, she would scream 

and scream.

 

take me back take me back, she 

would have begged. Make it stop.

 

**(the damned can't  beg)**

 

 

Edwards.

He did what no one else would do

.

 

maybe she also hated him a little for 

the life saving surgery he performed 

maybe she wanted to die.

 

(K.I.A. the way to go) _momma would be_

_so ashamed she raised such a coward_

 

no, it's just sometimes she feels 

so lost. Who is she, really?

Some girl who died and came back 

wrong but not wrong enough

to be completely one of them.

 

it's like being cut from the Varsity 

basketball team all over again-

(you're not good enough Beth) 

not good enough to live but sure the hell

not strong enough to die.

 

And yes, it takes strength to kick the

bucket. To give up

the willpower to stand down

   Apparently she doesn't have it.

 

don't have a lot of things anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 


	5. Something she is and isn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some days are more then others...
> 
> Btw sometimes Beth forgets what she canonicly remebers prevouisly. It's like a uber static- y TV channel. Sometimes her antennas pick up and sometimes it doesn't. Enjoy the weirdness...
> 
> Critique and comment y'all make my day lol

 

 

 

waves of stupidity befall

her.

Thick hypnotic waves,

Where not a single thing

matters.

 

Not maggie

judith- glenn

daryl or

 

or her headless daddy

gathering mold in the prison yard.

 

her need to escape; not forgotten.

Delayed into the bits of mirror

flushed across her wrist

(abc 123 slit your wrist

just for me)

Beth can't escape it.

 

She lays in bed

apathetically recounting

The timeline

Of What Happened.

 

 

what she _thinks_ happened

 

Because god, she has, to

face it

 

_not exactly reliable anymore_

(sometime's she's taken from the prison

\- Governor's orders and that bitch, dawn

follows them. other times she never makes it

out from the farm- yet others there is no

explanation, just knows she's with Daryl

and how she loses him. gets gunned down)

 

A plethora of memories

not all of them can be real.

this she knows at least.

( or maybe there's an infinite

amount of universes, 

Dripping out of her bullet hole;

a tear in reality.

 

Shaun's alternate

universe theory Suddenly not 

something she can laugh at )

 

Beth gets out of bed out of habit

Goes through her day

strung up and button eyed

 

somethin g raw in the 

pit of her stomach Pumping

gradually through her veins.

She wades into the oncoming tidal

waves, head held high

 

not because the Doctor insists      or

because it's what her people would

want, or what the officers 

would like

 

what he  _needs_ from her

( so you do think there 're good people )

 

but because it's what she does.

 

Beth greene 

takes it. The Catch-22

Of being the girl who wanted

to die:

 

Too fragile for the front lines,

too delicate

to learn how to pick the shrapnel 

From underneath her nails.

 

but oh, 

 

look at her and know

She'll never be anything more 

then she is. Look down on her

for swallowing her sorrow 

And picking up o n the softer

ways- the "wrong" ways of 

How to go on.       that don't

 

fit the status quo 

 

(is this an apocalypse or high school?)

 

And she's d o n e

 

Rather take it in the

ass then lying down.

 

either way you're getting

fucked. 's just she's done being

something she is and isn't.

Why take it like a man

when she's been taking,,

the whole time just fine ?

Thank you very much

 

Beth lets those waves

give it to her

 

She gives right back.

 

(maybe that's why she gets out of bed)

 

 

 

beth can almost hear

her mom ( cold wet cunt _come back to_

 _me_ No. never. not her momma, that

was her **mother** )

cluckin her tongue in shame

When Beth steals

 

_Kleptomania is a disease BethAnne_

(one she hasn't been able to shake,

even now _especially_ now)

 

shoves bandages and

pill bottles- a scalpel in the

folds of her clothes. When

the officers ain't looking.

 

let's Edwards parade her around

_look how well she's responding_

_to therapy_ \- like she's the second coming

and _so what if I am?_ she asks herself

The time for modesty is long gone.

 

Gotta know your worth or you

'll end up somebody's bitch

 ~~Or the wholes prison's.~~  

and man. man is that unfair to 

the,   her people- At the prison 

that was all she was good for

 

Singing and changing 

shitty diapers.

her two favorite things, apparently.

**more to it then that greene**

(easy for him to say though, she thinks)

 

Daryl and his scars. 

 

Beth and her scars.

 

Different monsters identical results. 

 

The way she thinks now is fucked up

her but not her. a bit of him, but harsher

tainted with a sickness ,

 

exacerbated by what once made her so

"pure".

 

and she's fine with it.

embraces it.

 

Because, whatever it takes

 

_you gotta stay who you are not who you were._

 

 

 


	6. If it feels like a lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are coming together, mostly...
> 
> oh and there is a lot of remembering. Mostly in Slabtown from Noah, Joan, and at least one from asshole rapist himself.  
> again thanks for reading yada ydad

 

 

 

beth stands in front of

the locked elevator. The

sensation of rope around her

waist

 

is overwhelming.

 

_it's why I'm getting out of here_

_when the time is right._

 

She glances down at where they tied

their makeshift rope. _i came looking_

_for my uncle. gotta get back to my mom._

(her body feels exhausted, can still

feel Joan's blood spraying back onto her)

 

runs her hands

along the ridges of the closed doors.

( **Beth!** )- (she rushes forward, throws all

her weight in this one act and)

 

_see they think I'm scrawny._

_They think I'm weak._

 

( and so what if he looks like a bit of both ?

He's there speaking to her with fire in

his eyes, offering her an olive branch of

h o p e he's like her- wants to leave )

 

_But they don't know shit about me._

_About what I am._

_What you are._

 

"Beth! It's time to do your

speech training."

 

She's zeroes in on Shepard

dressed in black, gun at her hip

Beth knows how easy it would be to

casually snag the gun from her holster

Turn ~~fuck the safety like it never~~

~~existed~~

 

no. can't. won't. not after last time

Maybe this time maggots will crawl in her

brains eat holes through her eyeballs,

squirming through her pussy

laying larvae in her ears

dead. For real this time.

 

Be side s

 

where would she go ?

Not like she knows where her people

are. or where she can escape.

the surest

bet would be to take a hostage

\- someone important, turn them loose

once she's past the fences...

 

(she can feel that the skinny boy-

the brave boy, with fire and determination

in his eyes is a key piece to her plan.)

 

she'll wait until she's out again to seek him out.

 

Beth allows Shepard to gingerly

lead her to Steven's office. bide your time girl

 

     "I'm not good at this. I'm sorry."

 

Edwards requests she try again to mimic

the noises of the alphabet. Like she's dumb

or

 

beth whips her head side to side, no.

Fuck this and fuck you.

I don't need no councilor does this look

like before? (what are you my chaperone now)

 

Edwards wipes at his brow.

                     "Fine. Here."

 

he hands her a pencil and a notepad.

Beth picks up his frustration, makes her

throat tight with anger.

As if he's the one with brain damage.

can't speak? well HERE write about it ( ~~hey i know~~

~~it's been awhile. i'm going~~

~~to be honest i forgot about you.~~ )

 

_we're not going to die, none of us_

Liar. Liar liar liar liar.

_because you should write down wishes to_

_make them come true_

 

.

.

.

 

there's a beat where she can feel

violence well up inside her

a breath away from spilling.

she doesn't feel the pencil snap,

Lazily impale her palm.

The blood makes her scalp itch

 

all she can see is Edwards.

 

(scalpel in hand, just a little more

join him in the light, go right for the

jugular: He wouldn't put up a fight.)

 

**glad we could work something out**

 

No; that's not her.

She doesn't kill. ever. (If it feels

like a lie it probably is)

 

Beth jumps up eyes only for him

as she stalks out the door, down the hallway.

 

i n to her room.

 

It all was an excuse to keep her here

isn't it?

 

One big trick one after the other.

 

_Screwed up thing is- she's_

_trapped too._

we're not trapped. I'm

going with you.

 

 

where is he

 

**she feels the kickback**

**in her wrist and then the**

**click.**

**of an empty clip.**

**Not the end of the world-**

**swings her leg up, slams her**

**heel into it's head.**

**run.**

**she's blindsided by an**

**officer. worth it, if he gets**

**away. don't look back (I**

**know how to take care of myself)**

 

oh. he- Noah, escaped.

Because of her.

 

okay.

 

okay, okayokay.

this changes everything and

nothing. if she did it once she damn

Sure can do it again. And not die this this

time. (she reminds herself) 

 

This time she won't die. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo... she remember Noah.  
> A little about Dawn and... and. 
> 
> We also see that Beth isn't able to be vocal, both because she physically/mentally is unable to. We also see that writing is kind of ruined for her, that everything she's written has come to pass: made her eat her own words.  
> Also we see and have been seeing that she doesn't trust Grady. She's alone and isn't. Sooo in future chaps that might change  
> ;)


	7. crumpled sheets of velvet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting new people is always great... right?

 

she practices walking around 

on chrysalis shells

No echoes, no crunch of leaves

tread light: never was there.

(never was there)

 

takes a certain pride

Can hear them

Her neck prickles or her

ears smarten at the faintest movement.

 

Predator and prey 

 

together. Trapped. (of course)

 

~~Question is who is what~~

 

 

today though

day 159 her thoughts are too loud.

 

_Doodlebug you have to come out_

_of your room sometime_

( I will s'just I hurt Maggie's feelings )

 

she buries her head deeper into the 

mattress, ashamed.

 

 _you did_ he doesn't lie  _but there's_

_nothing an honest to God apology and_

_some well deserved grovelin'  can't fix_

_between you two_

 

( yeah? )

_yeah._

Her dreams were vivid -

probably because that

wasn't all they were. 

 

and, man, they were caramel 

laced with cyanide. Sugary toxic all 

at once, a kiss and slap all rolled into one. 

\- something she wanted

something she didn't?

 

It takes her less then a second to 

evaluate the subtitle shift in the

air, and beth whips around

 

Fists curled: Up 

Fight or flight (choose now)

 

But. but. there's a girl

well, young woman- whatever.

her body language is loose and open

The adrenaline spiking in Beth's veins plummet. 

 

Feels like a deer in the headlights. 

whatever she had been expecting is not here

 _in immediate vicinity_ at least. instead

a stranger a newcomer; knows it because

yeah. she only glimpses the wards 

through cracks in the doors,

as if

 

they are sent to their rooms

the second she is allowed to roam the halls.

 

every hint of fellow prisoners

Coveted. hoarded

 

knows this woman is knew. 

 

**the wards keep my officers happy**

**( everything cost something, right )**

 

and just because Dawn's dead

Why did she  _ever_ think otherwise?

~~_thought they could change_ ~~

 

( they keep bringing more in-  _the more I eat_

 _the more I owe )_ tentative strings of concern;

is she okay? but there's also a natural weariness

even for this woman.

 

"Hey I don't think I've met you,"

she motions to herself, before offering her hand.

"Rehka Kapoor." 

 

Beth stares hard at the hand.

At Rehka. Welcoming, what she had been

like before- on the farm. 

 

Rehka mistakes her silence for something else. 

 

"Ray-ka. Not a mouthful but people

can be real..."

 

_I'm a dick... when I'm drunk_

A lightbulb goes off in beth's head, 

synapses playing connect the dot with 

(the world was messed up before dead began

a walking) - Rehka. 

she wonders how many assholes purposely 

mispronounced her name

Just to be mean. (no not mean, racist.) 

 

In another world she would have 

flushed from neck to cheek, 

the mere thought of lowering herself

Into that kind of way of living-

looking down on people when you're not

that much better...

 

(she's in this world though)

the best she can do is extend her hand,

too late. Rehka smiles and shakes her

hand anyway. 

 

in her minds eye; pronounces

Rehka's name slowly,

(Name's were a taste of what kind of person

the owner is)

correctly. 

 

"What's your name?"

 

Beth parts her lips,

considers grinding out razor 

blades. instead she shakes her head.

 

ghosts her hand on her throat. 

 _ ~~please~~_ ~~~~I can't.

Rehka furrows her brows, 

perfectly crumpled sheets of velvet.

 

"C'mon."

 

beth trails behind

what does she want from me.

Trepidation and suspicion walking hand in hand.

 

"My parents moved from Calcutta before we

were born- this _beautiful_ intense city in India.

Rajiv was born hard of hearing, well

'Americans learn American' Papa said-"

Her lips had curled as she

imitated what Beth assumed her father

sounded and looked like-

"And we all learned American Sign Language."

 

Rahka stopped pacing, settled down onto

her bed. 

 

She pats gently. 

"I can teach you." 

 

and it's too much-

this stanger, Rehka Kapoor,

the fact Grady is still kidnapping people-

_sign language_

 

too much and not enough. 

makes her kind of not want anything to do 

With Rehka. ~~(not for long though.)~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom!
> 
> I'm a really new writer and I've never done to well with more then one character but I am going to try! I don't just want Rahka to be a supporting character SHE IS HER OWN WOMAN, however I do plan on her and Beth to be hella tight, yo mein? Like they're gonna have that bromance power team thing going on. 
> 
> Anyway any tips you have to offer about making all character pop that pussy (character-ness) just hmu.


	8. Police brutality

 

 

 

Rehka's hands are 

sticky sweet,

fluttery like a hummingbird.

Doesn't ask for her permission 

as she bends Beth's fingers

Into the correct position.

 

(after a while Beth

Stops internally flinching.

Not every touch is meant to harm

or hide the hurt like the Doctor.)

 

Beth feels her shattered 

worldviewed, fragiley 

Manuvaured back into a frame.

 

Rehka doesn't force a pencil 

into her hand, to be shoved against

paper   Doesn't insist Beth must strain

her throat into a bloody ribbon.

accepts her for who she is  ~~what she is~~

 

who am I

( no one if you don't know )

 

The beginning was the hardest

she would clumsily finger spell her name

Fingers bent; Half committed.

 

[Be]-

 

 

She blanks on the T and mixes the H 

with a G (of all things,

 

Beg.)

 

a thorn of annoyance would slide

through her when Rehka would snort

Encourage her to continue,

you're doing fine.

 

It's like rays of honey 

brown shining down on her

Through the abyss. Something to

look forward to and maybe she could

have continued like this; selfishly.

Rotting in a fucked up system 

a vegetable for a brain and Rehka by 

her side. Except 

 

it's not that easy.

 

 

"I don't get it- I've done

all they asked- healed, worked, 

gave them my supplies! Beth they 

won't let me _leave._

 

I need to get back to

my group. They must think I'm

dead. Shepard and Tanka act as

if-"

 

 

I get it now

 

 

Memories;

Tainted with blood.

 

Scissors.

 

Pistol whipping (called police brutality

Greene-) 

 

Beth reaches up and touches the

ever present bandages around her 

head. Rips at them ( **hold her down**

**Beth**

**now!** ) 

 

beth blinks but wormy red tendons

like squiggly lines when you shut

your eyes, are imprinted there. Ever

present. 

 

Spraying up, warm searing into

her nostrils Iron. Joan.

 

Darker room. Darker blood.

 

Threes a crowd with two women and

a rapist 

 

its rushing back with an intense 

velocity that curdles her every sense.

She's there in that room. Terror and

disgust-

 

(Lucky for me you're not a fighter)

 

 

 

 

beth hears screaming. 

 

Rehka's.

 

Loosens her fingernails out from the

grooves she was scratching Into her skin

save Rehka. ( never fail ever again. )

raises her hands 

Florescent lights shimmer over her hands

when she raises them, catching her

Attention. Crystals; liquid ruby thin tar.

 

Where had that come from?

 

(Joan vacant dead eyes lying on the 

floor.)

 

(Groping against bare skin, hot breath 

THIS ISNT RIGHT.) 

 

Has to be the brain.

 

she stumbles into the window, and for a

moment there she is.   Bullet wound 

swollen, scars violent and the blood-

is this what they saw? 

 

 

Because if it is.   She would have left too.


	9. follow me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escape is near...

_"i never cut my wrists lookin for attention!"_

 

~~( she's there, throat burning, stomach~~

~~hollow )~~

~~Daryl aggressively makes a wrist slashing motion.~~

~~Like it was that easy.~~

 

Well, at least it isn't her wrist this time.

Beth glances around the room, throat dry and

aching for water. She'd have too wait.

 

No one was in the room but her.

 

bit tied up at the moment

and well, constrained. She wonders

if they'll ever decide to straitjacket her

Save themselves from a headache (or two) 

 

Beth closes her eyes against 

her reality. her cheeks ache

with every flex of her facial muscles

 

 

 

 

 

"You can't go on like this Beth.

Let us help you."

 

 

 

 

 

Help?

 

It's too fucking late for that.

 

Canto VII 

echoes behind her ears

The Avaricious and Prodigal

 

Fourth Circle of hell; Here.

 

she thinks she understands

 

The First Circle- way before, when

it first Happened. Mama and Shaun...

Everyone. Limbo. 

 

they went on suffering, rolling in it

like naive kicked puppies. didn't know 

any better

 

til Rick and his son, Carl came running

Carrying his son with a bullet punched through

His chest.   (he brought Lust on his back,

LoriShaneRick)    and so they brought death.

whelped a child out of betrayal out of wedlock 

A punishment and a blessing

 

The Second Circle took Patricia and Jimmy

 

and so on.

 

The Third Circle

Gluttony.         How could they have been so...

So uninformed? Oblivious? The Woodberry people

 

beth can't decided what circle of hell 

The Governor brought on. Violence.

Death (so much death)

 

she just knows there is multiple layers of it,

overlapping boiling the water in her veins

so she can evaporate into nothing. 

 

_if you don't have hope what's the point of living?_

 

(what is the point of living

when you already died?) 

 

 

 

 

when Edwards steps in to apply 

ointment to the canals she made in her

own

skin- maiming, or whatever- she won't allow him to.

What's a few more scars going to do?

 

she's lost count of the days,

everything is fuzzy and dulled. But

Beth has an unsolicited rememberance 

of what happened. 

 

It feels ugly

it hurts, but yes. It rings with truth.

(Maybe she deserves all of this.

she was _dumb_ -)

 

S'not the point. she's here now.

 

 

Rehka of course is her first visitor.

She comes in head down,

slouched. "No one told me you were shot

.... they said, you had a concussion-"

 

Rehka finally looks up.

every muscle in Beth's body screams.

Her friend's lip is swollen, a deep bust 

straight down the middle. There's a 

smudge of a bruise in the shape of a 

fingertip on her chin

 

there are tears in her eyes.

 

Beth can't breath.

 

_only the bad ones make it_

 

oh.

 

Rehka palms her hair out of her 

eyes, sniffles.

 

            "You're gonna be okay.

We're gonna be okay, here. Ju- st start 

listening to the Doctor okay? He's going

to help you."

 

Beth can see the desperation in Rehka's

eyes the clear distress 

and those motherfuckers haven't 

changed a bit. They're using Rehka- who

never did anything to anyone- as bait.

The whipping boy. 

Whipping girl.

 

punished for Beth's crimes.

(Do what we say or your friend gets it)

 

her throat constricts, cruelly.

 

( **how many people had to die for**

 **you** )-

 

Beth jerks her head to her restraint

and of course Rehka is hesitant. She is

a melted glacier, fingers thick 

if one of them comes in and sees-

no. Don't think about it just do

 

   [Rehka. We're getting out of here.]

 

   "We can't there's no way- and you're,

                       you're..."

good as dead out there (I know)

 

  [i have supplies. Inside the toilet hood. 

these people aren't good- they shot me. 

          Used me, they hurt you.]

 

beth touches her own lip mirroring where

Rehka had clearly been abused.

  [I'm not sticking around for this. I can

  help you  find your family when we get

                        out-]

 

  "It won't work! They have guns and..."

She shivers into her crossed arms.

           "I can't. Okay? I can't!"

 

Rehka kneels beside Beth's bedside,

brown eyes unfathomable. Beth 

recognizes the now distant  innocence.

of course Rehka knew how to deal with

the dead but with human threats- she 

must have never. 

 

She strokes pats Rehka's head gently,

unsure. How had she used to comfort 

the people she cared for? ( **Keep**

 **singing**.) 

 

   [You don't have to. Just follow me.]

 

there was a multitude of emotions sliding

in and out of Rehka's eyes.

dark and light darker and lighter-

Fear. Anger. Trust. What she recognized 

the most was h o p e

 

even if she didn't have it anymore

 

[okay, Beth.]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just btw when Beth and Rehka [speak] in these --> [] they're communicating through sign language. It's necessary for Beth but Rehka can fluently switch between the two. I'm sorry if Beth and Rehka teaming up seems hella out of the blue but for Beth she hasn't been able to connect to ANYONE since she crawled out of her grave, she feels all sorts of ugly towards the officers and Edwards. Also in Beth's mind, Rehka basically GAVE her voice back, before she had no one way of speaking- she felt inhuman "one of the damned." 
> 
> So cares pretty deeply for Rehka and vice versa. 
> 
> Rn Rehka is trying to get back to her group. Yes Rehka is inexperienced with brutal-ness, she definitely was not in a Rick type group so far. Her group has been living pretty peacefully in a foodbank in the outskirts of town so rarely have they made contact with other people or giant ass herds. Her groups been lowkey y know?


	10. ain't happening today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some escape plan they got, huh?
> 
>  
> 
> And ohhhh man. Get ready.

 

She used to like looking at pictures

Events frozen in time, celebration and 

war. A picture is forever. If someone was

to take a snapshot right now (what would

they see?)

 

she should feel on edge.

scared out of her pants. Except she isn't 

there's just something right about having

a blade pressed to a grown mans jugular,

infront of the officers.

 

 ~~Bonnie and Clyde~~? Nah, Beth and Rehka.

 

All those months she's been on the

edge of life and death (all those times 

she's felt dead- still sometimes feels that

way) and Beth guesses it loses it's effect.

After a while death feels too natural 

If it happens it happens (ain't happening

today though, not if she has any say)

 

and by the looks of it she does.

 

a nightmarish scene flutter over her,

walls stretched and wasted. Rag tag 

group against the clean cut Grady 

officers. Her family. So close. So far.

 

Beth retightens her grip in Edwards hair.

she wants to whisper in his ear.

you don't have to die (he really doesn't have to they can just leave)

-and Rehka, is there

shaking but delivering the lines they put

together, perfectly.

 

the timing of the next line is phenomonal 

 

"Use all you got, right?

and we have him."

 

her words. 

Bitter and accusatory, so so hurt.

 

Edwards had been her friend

an ally behind enemy lines

\- they had bonded over _transcendence_  

and he had Ruined It.

 

lying and scheming to secure some

position here in this hell hole.

( Beth had signed and Rehka had wrote

and now it was coming together, wasn't

it)

 

Beth had angled Edwards body to

suffiently act as a human shield for them,

took slow steps backwards towards the

exit. He made small grunts of discomfort 

but she had managed to ignore them

so far- nothing mattered besides getting 

out of here. Right now.

 

"-call off the officers, have them gather

in this hall. We want two pistols and a

weeks worth rations," Rehka sucked in

a calming breath before continuing.

"Beth will consider your debt paid if we

leave unharmed."

 

as as expected the hall erupted in

anarchy.

 

"Our debt paid? That bitch owes us!"

"We saved her life-"

"She would have been dead-"

 

**so you owe us**

 

Beth dogs Shepard down with her eyes

Purposely nicking Edwards.

she watches Shepard track the scarlet

bead slide down, Beth recognizes the

flare of her nostrils for what it is.

I will kill him. ( you do know that )

_This hospital isn't anything without him._

Shephard unclips her gun,

slides it over.

 

Rehka chokes on her words.

The officers still.

 

She he bends and grabs the gun.

"That's only one."

 

"We need weapons-"

 

"So do we! We're going out there."

 

Shepard tips her head, and Beth is

almost reminded of Rick. Maybe things

will change- (that's none of her concern.)

one day.

 

\- "You should have thought about

that before you acted. That's all we're 

giving you. The debt's fullfilled."

 

That violence inside blinds her.

Drags the scalpel over his throat

mouth lips throat and eyes red red red

Like a fizzy drink shaken up. Rehka's

terrified screams

 

a rain of bullets.

 

(a crack in her skull... right back where 

she started- again.) it doesn't have to

end that way. It just. Doesn't.

 

no. Beth nods her head. Yes. The debt

is void. Gone. But first....

   Rehka doesn't miss a beat. 

"Okay. We're not letting him loose until 

we're out of the fence- follow us, and 

she'll... she'll do it."

 

For a moment Beth is lost. The 

 torture; Do it. Slit his throat

and die- chaos. Succumb. Emmersion.

        then she's reminded of her

family. Standing where they are. She was

so close. So fucking close to freedom....

 

Rehka's cool hand wraps around the

arm gripping Edwards scalp. 

"Let's go." 

 

 

 

 

 

They're moving; molasse speed.

Back to back. Rehka with the gun 

protecting them from oncoming threats 

Beth and the hostage. He's speaking.

she's ignoring. Again. Only a fool would

trust a tool- and then, gloriously they are

there.

 

the hole Noah escaped through the one

she was suppose to escape out of...

 

"Beth we can go back we can fix this."

 

She steps back into the Grady side of the

fence, Rehka safely on the other side. He

... the audacity of him. After everything 

Edwards thought? Laughable.

she shakes her head. 

 

"He killed her- that man. The debt has

already been paid." 

 

Life for a life.

 

old Beth is dead. So what, he's telling

fair is fair? Like, _**like**_ they took care of

her out of the

"goodness" of their hearts? Nursed her

back from the dead without any hidden

intentions; For the greater good.

 

(thought I wasn't the greater good)

 

what part of good  would beat someone?

Noah? Rehka? Percy- (the man O'danol 

liked to mistreat, god he looked like her

daddy, snowy whiskers n all) her.

 **they** were good.  

 

But these people? Grady is **not.**

 

"No one has to leave- I swear."

 

she's not even tempted. There's a rush,

a gut wrenching revelation.

 

One moment  hands are at her sides- the

next, the  scalpel is buried to the hilt in a

geyser of blood and flesh. One Mississippi

Two Missis- she yanks it out, his body 

flops to the ground in slow motion. She

can feel a breath tear it's way through

her throat, a bloody ribbon she can

hear.

 

If someone were to take a picture right 

now, what would they see? (murder.)

 

"--- BETH! No!"

 

 

And this time it's her,

 

[Let's go Rehka.]

 

And what choice does Rehka have but to

follow? 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah! Long ass build up for them to finally get out of the hospital but wooh!  
> They got the hell outta Jackson. :)
> 
> At first I wasn't going to have Beth do what she did but tbh the more I thought about it the more anticlimactic it became.  
> It wouldn't make sense for her at this point in her head in THIS fic, which is intentionally dark. Soooo yeah. 
> 
> Comment, critique, kudos etc.
> 
> Tell me if y'all saw that coming.


	11. We can go back and fix it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after they escape.

 

 

 

There's a broken statacco 

a reel of reality

fuzzy and roll roll rolling, 

_We can go back_

 

 

( "Why would you do that?" )

 

No. neither of them could,

not her. Not Edwards; Dawn. 

 

No one. 

 

( she zig zags them through the city

Body crackling with adrenaline.

End the dead, get them out alive- )

 

Gore crusts against her clothes, 

and Beth can't decipher the difference

between his blood and their blood.

would it matter, if she knew? 

 

( Running. it always ends this way

The farm. The prison, and now

Grady. )

 

She flexes her fingers,

the scapel handle slick. 

 

( "What's wrong with you! How- it,

killing him wasn't apart of the plan."

 

 There is a puddle of wet in Rehka's

eyes, drilling into the pit of Beth's

stomach. 

 

She tries to touch Rehka's shoulder

in apology- Rehka jerks away.

"Don't."

 

beth tries to find remorse

Despair for taking a life. ~~There isn't~~

~~any.~~

 

) 

 

 

Good scouting spot- can see everything

from all sides. All incoming threats.

Beth takes first watch 

 

"You killed him."

rehka stares straight ahead, as if

she hadn't spoken at all.

 

beth watches her.

 

"You weren't suppose to do that!"

this time she looks at her, eyes pinning

her to the wall. 

 

Is there anything she could say to

sooth her friends conscious?

\- ( **she doesn't understand, not yet,**

 **gotta do the worst things to survive** )

 Beth swallows. 

 

[If I didn't...]

she trails off, the sight of her 

marred hands distracting. 

 

("Watch out!" Beth dives away, landing

hard on her hands and knees, before

scrambling  to her feet. The smell of

gunpowder overwhelming. -rehka's

warning had saved her.) 

 

[theyd bring more like us]

 

and it's true.

 

They brought Rehka. She.... _I guess it's_

 _easy to_ _make a deal with the devil when_

 _you're_ _not the one paying the price._

 _(_ A hot wet tear slides down Joan's cheek _)_

 

and, and oh, it's also a lie.

Because yes, he had to "go"  She needed

to end the cycle, the indentured service

and impending level of casual horror.

that they all turned the other cheek to

but

 

there was 

 

A moment, Edwards was as bad as him.

the governor. The emotional carnage

was was. . . .

 

And she wanted him dead. Gone

 

for tricking her for saving her for 

for everything. making her feel safe 

when it was only  a _lie_

 

 

 

 

Beth thought, maybe. Maybe

she could let it all go. Muffle the lust

for something else, shove it down be 

different. She could be the girl that sings

and brings hope again- except, 

 

she had overcame it. And succumbed to

it just as soon.

 

nd her family hadnt hadn't  been there. 

They were gone. Not coming, not

to rescue her like some princess

or Carol... They were just gone. (No one

to stop her) no one to pull her back

from the edge. She had someone countin

on her. **This is not a democracy**

 

 

 

 

go back and fix it, huh? 

 

Fix her dead daddy

fix those children she failed who needed

her, who loved her, idled her who 

thought she'd be there-

fix her little girl ( _judith) g o d_

Fix Daryl and his dead brother,

fix their communal wounds and make

them finally; finally safe. Fix Fix fix fix.

 

except it doesn't work like that.

But there was one thing she could fix,

And sometimes if you want to fix

something: You have to break it a little.

 

or a lot

 

(in Edwards case, a lot.) 

 

he hadn't even had his glasses on.

Or the good sense to move.

 

 

**gotta put your whole weight 'to it**

**greene (** _and When has Daryl ever_

_stirred her wrong? He was even right_

_about never seeing Maggie again_ **-)**

 

 so no. No

 

 _We can't go back_.  

It was too late for her.

 

 


	12. the other way around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this the end of the line, between Beth and Rehka?

~~~~The migraine approaches without

warning. punishment; for

 

 

Silvers of light crack her mind into

busted pottery. ~~Is this atonement, death,~~

 ~~or mere brain damage?~~ (All of the above)

The pain killers are powdery smooth and

oval; a generic solution for a permanent 

problem. Her lips part, papyrus dry

tongue. uncoordinated eager _make it stop_  

 

let it all go away (right?)

 

She wonder what day is it. She had 

stopped counting a while back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're wrong. Sick," Rehka speaks 

rapidly in a foreign language before 

gradually returning to English. "It's not

your fault." 

 

Beth feels the grain of fingertips 

against the puckered bullet hole. 

 

A testament: Their shared universal truth

 

[We have to try. You. And I.]

 

(her vision is blurred, she can barely 

make out rehkas honey fingers) (she 

closes her eyes before it becomes too

much)

 

its as close to forgiveness Beth can get

from Rehka. She can feel the confliction

without opening her eyes. (Why doesn't 

she get it?) except, she it's so _important_

that rehka doesn't hate her. And she'll 

take this over understanding 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hold still." 

 

Wet water is gently scrubbed against

her face. Beth hesitantly opens up her

eyes, endures the pain to focus on

this woman's ministrations

 

Rehka washes off his blood.  

 

No movement is wasted, she is effecient

 It comes unbidden. Strangely

candid- odd, isn't she suppose to be 

Rehka's protector, not the other way 

around? But, it makes a backward sort of

sense, [ You're like ] [like a...] [movie

mom] _my mom_  

 

Her hands feel thick and disgusting.

bursting at the seam: with death and

words and, fuck she's alive, but how

long?

 

~~how could she ?~~

~~~~-(and its there, the edge of her own

elusive _functioning_ thoughts. Her mom.

perfect and wonderful, a true southern

belle. Dead; long before she was struck

down after stumblin out the barn)

 

"Shh."

 

and it's not just about her.

 

rehka is healing too. Put away the 

corpses, in the closet they go- put away 

your bruises and ignore the scars. Get

the hell outta Grady.

 

exodus. 

 

Like the Hebrews they are free. 

Will they wander forty years? Or maybe 

Rehka's Gods will save them; from the

fate beth's mama and daddy's god has

bestowed upon them- 

 

it's a process of coming to terms.

 

what it means to be out here again. The

fact Rehka can find her group, that beth

can... can what (in a perfect world...)

 

And Rehka isn't as gentle on her hands,

on the copper staining Beth's forearms.

weither it's his or the damned; it needs 

to come off. And Rehka's scrubbing

is almost aggressive. Determined.

 

kinda funny.

 

The blood took longer to cleanse from

her face (her head, her brain) but her

hands, it disappears  fast  as hell. A

violent scouring and her hands; she's left

with an inflamed pink but. But it's a start

Rehka isn't gentle here. Good

 

she wonders if Rehka's gone through all

five stages of grief, through this.

with her.

 

 

"Your welcome," she says, voice watery.

angry. Disappointed. Relieved. 

 

[Thank you.]

 

.

 

{ Who buried me?} 

edwards is facing his painting, that 

 _dumb_ painting. He drops the note Rehka

wrote for Beth. (Still her words just

helped- that's all)

 

.

she wonders if she has to force it out of

him. She needs answers. Except, he 

wasn't going to be answering any after

what she did

.

 

 

"He carried you down, when he came 

out, you were still in his arms. A doll; An

angel. Some of..." Edwards struggles

before continuing. "People were there.

Waiting. They cried when they saw you-

and one woman was so loud;

Screaming."

 

Edwards rocked back and forth in his

chair. "They brought a huge... rally of 

dead- biggest one I ever saw. Beth, they

had no choice. He, they made him...

that man locked you in one of our trunks."

.

( stumbling back to where she started-

plentiful in a world of barren, x's on their

sides. Crosses? )

.

 

edwards taps his fingers in a jerky tempo

against his thigh. Guilty. 

 

"After," his words are choked,"I. I wanted 

to bury you- I was sorry, I am sorry."

\- but are you? Is it enough to bring them

back to make me normal is it-?

"I didn't do a very good job."

 

He spins around in his chair, eyes

.

 ** _Eye_** shining in rage.

.

 

"We can't stay here. I gotta find my 

group- you... you can come [okay?] "

 

it takes her a second to think. To 

untangle Noah and Rehka, remember 

who belongs to what. 

 

Untangle the riveting timelines of her

life. Pre- Exicution and post. There's not 

really anything she cares about that she

can have anymore, who besides Rehka

can she actually make a difference for?

the answer is yes. Yes she'll come.

 

as mid afternoon fades into night, beth

welcomes it. A new day. A new start.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo should I ever add in a chapter with Rehka's p.o.v.
> 
> Also yeah, no plot hole on how Beth ended up in a grave. So that's lit lol


	13. Garam Masala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chap but a glimpse of the travel towards Rehka's community.

 

She is hunched over

feet digging into the earth

so she may gain leverage to stick her

fingers and tear meat outta the 

steaming squirrel.  _Bastard_ had been 

harder to catch then it shoulda been

 

She huffs; spits bits of bone into the 

fire outta spite.

 

little bastard was more skin n bones

then a source of protein.

 

she's hungry enough to dig in on Rehka's

portion but Beth shoves the thought

aside. Girl had to eat too. 

'Sides whose fault was it

that they were beyond famished in the

first place? Her fault. Not 

her companion's.

 

beth tucks away her hunger 

chews on one of the longer bones, 

kinda like how Shaun chewed on sweet

grass after coming in from the fields-

[you goin eat?]

 

Rehka back pedals. Let's out a hum of

surprise. She hadn't expected Beth to

speak, 

 

as she feasted on the meat

grease shining off her cheeks and mouth;

the fire gave Beth's fairness the illusion 

of living breathing flames- 

 

beth looks up.

 

paws at her cheek and mouth 

meets Rehka's eyes.  [eat.]

 

"I'm not hungry-"

 

dumb. They aren't gonna get far if 

Rehka keeps this up. 

 

[taste better then it looks]

 

Beth firmly hands Rehka her share, a

bead of cruelty forming. There was 

something terrible at knowing what's

best for a person- she wants to shy away

from it, _bossing people was never_ her

 _thing but it ain't like_  - Rehka doesn't 

even know how to hunt or make fire pits.

hell the girl tried to season the squirrel 

with poison berries...

 

( she's like me )

 

The thought isn't comforting.

 

"Everything's so plain... even in the food

bank all the food was, white." 

She shoots Beth a look. 

Beth wonders if it's cause she thinks she

won't understand cause she's white or 

because of the head thing. 

 

"Mommy and papa. Their food. Finest

meals you'd ever eat. I can

taste the seasoning Turmeric- the, the

Garam Masala..." Her pitch had dropped

into a murmur. 

 

She gives the meat a helpless shake.

 

and Rehka eats in resigned nibbles. 

 

[Rajiv is the only one I have left. I can't

let him think I'm] ... dead or a biter."

 

beth nods. 

 

Makes sense.     She doesn't let her mind 

wander, stay away from- from, 

 

[we'll be there soon if you told me right.]

beth signs. Any consolation they're only 

about two days away.... It'd be great to

settle down, to stop running if only for a

little bit. 

 

... Rehka's place is a charity joint, if they

still got food and a solid place- she could 

stay and, and go on runs. (Look for those

spices-) 

 

But something inside her says

dont  get your hopes up.

 

and she doesn't.

 

( when it's finally her time to sleep, she

dreams. Dreams of exotic spices. Things

that set her tongue on fire, of smells that

burst and pop

 

and she's almost content with a world

she doesn't know. ) the dream fades, 

into a crisp pine smell. Beth realizes she

just launched a rock clear across the 

pond- _to nail a walker,_ she remembers

 

"got a arm Greene"

Beth rolls her eyes, biting back a grin.

"What for a girl?" She dead pans.

 

"Nah. _Throw_ like a man."  

 

Daryl. "Sexist! Mr. Dixon!" She clucks her

tongue in mock disappointment, steps

in closer.

 

" 's a compliment. Take it."

 

His voice is a  rough rasp at this point.

beth lowers the crossbow. 

 

"You take it!" She shoves his crossbow 

into his chest, and sprints away racked

with giggles.

 

She wakes up mid giggle only to be

greeted with a flash of pain. Beth frowns

in it's absence- of, of her voice, of Daryl

of... of everything. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh the spices are only "exotic" to Beth cause she's never been exposed to them lol. Also idk how I feel about stuffff so.  
> So yeah. Beth is hella fucked up still lmao.


	14. the house of rising sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it's so fucking wrong. But it's one way to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> For some people this is how they coped with sexual assault and although it may not be a very well know way I know people who have done this. 
> 
> Please, don't read if you have a problem with Beth and OC "doing it."
> 
> Sorry if it's not the content you'd like to see. While this IS a Bethyl fan fiction at the moment it is very Beth centric and as of now Beth is fucked the fuck up and well, it's showing. Please remain open minded. Thank you.

_There is a house in New Orleans_

_They call the Rising Sun_

 

**"If someone does you a favor it's** _  
_

**courtesy to show some**

**appreciation."**

 

his eyes are wet slugs oozing down her

body, ogling her as if she was some zoo

animal. A shiver of fear wriggles down 

her spine. Beth is almost sure of the type

of "appreciation" his kind wants-

**"Unless you want me to write**

**down everything you're taking."**

 

and of course. She had felt it, this place

was off but she had hoped... 

 

 

**"Everything cost something, right?"**

She's back in Dawn's office, squeezing in

through the door, she has to find the

keys- Joan. Except it isn't. Instead there 

she is _Maggie-_ Maggie, pale and shirtless

face down in a puddle of blood. 

 

_Glenn come to Termi_

 

Scratched into the floor, dots of blood 

trailing towards Maggie's mouth. Her 

frazzled brain tries to comprehend, this

isnt real, Maggie.... Maggie is safe- home

no, the pris- well (she isn't safe she isnt

she isn't she's) 

 

and beth is on her knees screaming.

 

not her sister no t Maggie, please no god

not Maggie. And yet there she is. 

 

"Ah ah." 

 

Gorman licks his chops. 

 

"I see we've come to a impasse. Ya girl

here... she ain't getting back up without 

these." He holds up the keys, those keys

she needs- "Maybe we could work 

something out, w'dya say Bethy?" 

 

What do you say Bethy 

 

 

 

 

beth springs to a sitting position, jarring

her mind into consciousness. 

 

Her breaths comes in rapidly and she 

tries to concentrate on them. On the fact

she's awake- not, not in the office. 

The warehouse is veiled in darkness and 

it takes a bit for her eyes to adjust. Once

they do Beth searches for her friends

sleeping forms. The two siblings slept 

back to back. Rajiv had managed to 

hunch in what could be considered the

fetal position, if you squinted hard and 

forgot his actual size whilst Rehka was

burrowed into her sleeping bag. The twos 

deep sleep and easy breathing allowed 

her enough tranquility to calm down 

 

to pick apart 

 

her truths. 

 

_Beth Greene, I'm in the foodbank. Rehka_

_and Rajiv are asleep. I should be asleep._

_It's day 58._ (She felt nauseous.) 

 

Maggie. She had been thinking about her

when she found the pickup truck- the 

faded blue one. Maggie had taught her 

how to drive in one just like it. ( it was 

her fault Mags had been drug into Beth's 

nightmare. She hadn't deserved that- )

 

She

 

she wouldn't be going to sleep unless she

saw Emilio. Not after that.

 

 

 

it had started with an observation. 

One that wasn't even hers. 

 

It had been Emilio's. 

 

"You look like tank girl, you know that 

right?" 

 

He pried the knife out of her stiff fingers

and gave them a slight massage while 

doing so. She had wanted to kick him in 

the shins- get away from me, she had 

wanted to scream- but she didn't. 

 

"I'm sorry. I couldn't do it." He peeked 

at her from beneath his lashes. 

"You did."

 

but someone had to. Beth couldn't let 

the dead kill the living, even if the dead

were only children themselves. She 

had to because no one else would, and if

everyone fell? Her fault. (Always)

 

When they returned to the 'Bank 

he had jogged ahead, telling her to

"Wait a sec." 

 

beth stood stiffly where he had left her.

 

he was right.

 

The reference she hadn't even 

understood suddenly became evident.

even to her backwards ass self.

 

"She's in a apocalypse too- I mean, 

different and no zombies. Still bad ass 

like you. Here look!"

 

he practically shoved the folded poster

( more like a pin up ) in her face. 

 Almost, bald like Beth- the two had the

peach fuzz of regroweth, and they were

dressed similar.

 

both had thick green vests on and 

dirty banged up tees. 

 

However Beth noted, the girl revealed a

lot more skin and "Tank Girl" had a lot 

less scars. Beth swallowed hard at the

thought of what she looked like-

 

the bullet hole was an ugly bulge, a 

constant reminder of her rash actions. 

There also was the gashes that never 

healed correctly... they weren't were the

worse. No, the worst were the grooves

she raked down her face. One went 

through her eyebrow leaving a patch 

where nothing grew- and the second 

most prominent was the jagged twist

underneath her eye socket. After that

only faint half moon's littered her

cheeks; hints of her own violence.

 

she wondered if this so called Tank Girl 

ever tried to off herself. 

 

(She wondered if Tank Girl would call her 

out on the wrist thing... like Dawn.)

 

while she considered all this Emilio was 

chatting away. Describing a world Beth 

didnt give two shits about, not after the 

day she had and hey didn't he have

watch or some other duty to do besides 

talking to her to do-? 

 

But no. He wanted to talk to her. 

He looked happy; almost as if he forgot

about what they saw today- and that, 

that was worth not talking about. So she 

let him ramble on, better then the 

alternative right?

 

_And it's been the ruin of many poor_

_boy_

 

_and god I know I'm one_

 

 

It's wrong. 

 

But it's right. No one can hurt her. Not 

when she's like this. 

 

(If she replaces the maggot hands inchin

up her waist with Emilio's then **his** were 

never there. Ever.)

 

_My mother was a tailor_

 

His voice is a soft murmur against her 

throat, when she curls in to him. 

Emilio's eyes are a soft hazel dew. Wide 

and concerned and not at all what she

wants (what she needs) 

 

"Can't sleep," he asks.

 

Beth shimmys out of her pants, 

impatiently. 

 

"We don't have to-" 

 

she looks hard at him. He plows on. 

"I could just hold you. Maybe you'd sleep

then." 

 

The small circles he's rubbing into her

back are hypnotizing. Gentle. 

( wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong )

 

[no.]

 

she rolls her hips against his thigh, 

closing her eyes to the swell that awaits.

Emilio stills for a moment, perhaps 

considering his options- 

 

she doesn't care.

 

He knows that he can say no. He canwill 

say no if that's what he wants. but her?

she's not gonna stop until then. 

 

_\- oh mother tell your children_

_not to do what I have done_

 

"Dammn... Beth. Be-"

He bucks up into her, hands biting into 

her hips. "Keep- doing that..." He muffles

his moan in her hair.

 

she rocks slightly, setting an achingly 

slow pace. The small of her back tingles

with senstivity but she continues the 

methodical fuck despite needing so much

more ( it's painful, being on the cusp of 

pleasure but she continues to withhold it

from herself) (doesn't deserve it doesn't 

need she should have never-)

 

Fingers. 

 

In her mouth. "Suck them, fuck, please-"

(lime sucker pressed against her mouth)

Beth feels wet slide down her thigh in 

answer. Emilio moans, action renewed,

fervent. She sucks hard on his fingers 

And ( and what? The memories will be 

back tomorrow. This won't be forever. )

 

her orgasm hits her like a sucker punch 

of goodness, and she rides through it 

until the sharp stab of too much over

whelms her.

 

 

 

 

 

and finally; finally when she closes her 

eyes she does not dream. 

 

_Spend your lives in sin and misery_

_In the house of the Rising Sun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Yeah. 
> 
> Beth had found a way to get rid of all the bad things in her life. This isn't a healthy way to cope of course but it's the "easiest" way she has found. Going through a sexual assault is traumatic and I feel it'd be exacerbated greatly by the fact so far she hasn't had the chance to TALK to anyone about it. There has been no professional help and she hasn't informed Rehka or Rajiv or any person that could have talked to her about it. 
> 
> She's kind of in the mind set where she's trying to cleanse herself from the touches of Gorman. Idk how to accurately describing what's going on with her without romanticizing the whole ordeal. 
> 
> Basically: It's her choice. 
> 
> She's choosing to do this with Emilio, she is the one coming to HIM, she's in power. That's what is important to her subconsciously because in all other sexual encounters she's been forced and demeaned. 
> 
> I'm going to try to accurately portray the twos dynamic but tbh I'll probably screw it up and I'm sorry if it comes across all weird. 
> 
> Btw this isn't the first time they've done it, which would explain why the characters aren't all "wtf" or "why" or "boom it's on" they already know what's up. HOWEVER we get a glimpse of one of Emilio and Beth's first interactions, the whole kid walker "bonding" moment. Then there's the whole Tank Girl thing lol.   
> So yeah. He got Beth to think and maybe that's why he started to show up on her radar to allow this relationship to pop up.
> 
> When I say relationship I don't mean like bf/gf I just mean their whole dynamics-interactions etc. 
> 
> Comment, critique, kudos!
> 
> Oh and hmu with any questions cause I know this is kind of confusing...


	15. a catastrophe waiting to happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get some missing moments
> 
> The Kapoor sibling reunion (Beth dwells on it quite a bit) and also we get some info about the community she's in right now. 
> 
> Also comment, critique, and kudos!
> 
> Lol thanks.

 

Beth supposes she really oughtta 

thank whoever 's up there

for all the food

 

or, all the dead- bless their hearts

(unironically) for whatever

kindness they once had. 

Without them and their donations, she's 

not sure how long these folks woulda 

lasted. 

 

She can acknowledge it.

 

Her family; ahead of time.

(woodberry Grady the Foodbank)

everywhere she's been the people is ten 

steps behind.    isn't sure what to 

think about that. 

 

the 'Bankers 

 

aren't dumb by any means

she just thinks they lack the proper 

motivation. 

 

N despite that, despite not being broke

and built back up from head to toe-

they managed just fine. Better then 

them (her, and her family) ...considering;

The 'Bankers home was intact and every

place she coulda considered _home_ is

 

g o

n e

 

and all of these communities.

Hiding in their fortresses. Their...

 

their castels. 

 

~~_Locked up real tight, huh?_ ~~

 

(and isn't that just so fuckin' convenient?)

... there's only fifteen 'Bankers so that 

helps. Helped, Beth corrects herself. 

It took them a while but they've finally 

ate through their main food supply. 

Numbers ain't gonna help them now...

but before, yeah, they had plenty of food

shelter- hell, no wonder they never 

wandered about. She wouldn't have. 

 

Only reason Rehka, Rajiv, Emilio and 

Christopher had been out was _because_  

of the depleting food supply. They had 

been the most "experienced" and fittest

so they volunteered to go out. She tries 

not to delve into the fact they were

orphans, that the adults let them go-

everyone needed to carry their weight

but no one here knew how.

 

and in the end their inexperience had 

cost them, hadn't it?

 

 

 

 

the way Rehka told it,

like it had been their first time out for an

extended amount of time. And never 

being so far out they got lost- things 

were looking bad and that was before 

everything went to shit when, the officers

ambushed the group n took Rehka. 

 

 

 

 

Beth thinks it's the wake up call 

the community needed.

 

 

the 'Bankers had no one on watch

Her and Rehka could have rolled in

guns o blazing and no one woulda been

the wiser-

 

Rajiv had twirled Rehka in the air,

her braid had promptly whipped him 

across the face. (His smile had been so

big, identical to Rehka's : pure and)

Rehka had begun to cry tears of relief 

interrupted only by her laughter (he had 

set her down, rapidly signing in true ASL

that Beth couldn't decipher) 

 

and... and Beth had felt something cold 

tighten inside her chest. It made her itch

 

something fierce; 

but it gave way to another 

seemingly  foreign feeling. 

 

Something forgotten- cherished?

 

_now I just need Noah_

 

she tightened her grip on her knife. 

( we don't get happy endings ) (good 

things never last) No. no,

 

people began to gather around the 

Kapoor's and it was great and it was ( 

it's not okay )      

 

i g e t i t n o w  

 

A catastrophe waiting to happen. 

 

 

Took the 'Bankers a hot minute to see it

her way though. 

 

Rehka and Rajiv, they didn't need 

convincing.

rehka had lived it

rajiv by immediate extension and, on his 

own end- experienced it too.

 

what's necessary. 

 

(And in many ways they didn't. Rehka

still thinks what HAPPENED was wrong,

uncalled for- _cruel ,_ but at least they can

almost phantom the mere idea _)_

 

Christopher and Emilio latched on soon

enough, they had been exposed to the

outside world too much not to. 

 

The adults... their nativity had been...

 

beth shifted her pistol to her left hand,

wiping the palm on her thigh

_fuckin hotter then..._

 

(hotter then what?)

 

she doesn't like their leader.

Maybe she'll never ~~like~~

trust a person in power again. 

That could be it; She figures Rajiv's 

theory is correct after grady.... but either

way she trusts Carson bout as far as she

can chuck 'im, and whether he deserves

it or not dont matter

 

not to her.

 

_doesnt know what's a stake_

Folks like that- 

 

Incompetence gets you killed. 

 

If that's the way he wants to go, best be

getting on But there is no way she's 

letting no one drag men, women, and

children down with him. 

 

She'll teach 'em.

 

Teach them how to hunt

to go on runs. Protect their own...

 

They aren't  burdens. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are y'all feeling about Beth?


	16. a sophomoric sense of humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippet of Beth continuing to learn ASL, among other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill. Comment, critique, and leave kudos 

 

Rajiv sprawls lazily across some boxes.

she kind of envies his causal aura.

Beth, she sits stiff, butt aching from her 

own spot. Only amplified by the fact she

can't seem to catch on.

 

[Watch.] 

 

beth mechanical mimics his gestures. 

 

Rajiv snaps out a no, lips upturned.

- _at least someone's getting something_

 _out of this_ \- (except she is. If she ignores

the pounding in her head.)

 

[Bitch. What you just said means bitch.]

 

She let's out an involuntary snort. Bitch?

it's random. harmless enough to be

uplifting, reaching through to her

almost juvenile, a sophomoric sense of 

humor. 

 

( It's not easy, learning the proper way to

sign- although, Rajiv and Rehka insists 

PSE (Pidgen Sign English) is fine- which,

Beth supposes IS. Fingerspelling everyt

hing is what Rehka taught her; the 

easiest to pick up. But the siblings

were best at ASL which she found a deal

more complex then what she knew. It

was  upsetting it was a setback it was...

it was also almost like _school_ and she

with her own personal tutors. She -d

them but 

 

needing so much help 

 

made her  feel a bit stupid. )

 

and there was this. When she messed up

there was something to fall back.

 

[Bitch,] she signs.

[Bitch.] He mirrored.

 

[Rehka is a,] (Rajiv)

[Bitch] Beth nonchalantly finished.

 

" [Hey! You two buttheads I'm not blind. 

Come say it to my face!]" Rehka mocked.

Beth noted once again her habit of 

speaking and signing at once- she 

wondered how that habit became. It 

could be because of Beth and how ASL

doesn't always translate English exactly-

sometimes you have to improvise, and

while most could go on a limb with what 

you meant Beth didn't have a lifetime 

worth of knowledge and experience 

 

of the two. 

 

 

 

 

 

Rehka was was laying on the floor, atop

all three's bedding. She reminded Beth 

of      (Of...)

 

Rehka had announced halfway through

Beth's lesson it was Rajiv's turn and she

claimed, she was going to nap.

 

[Thought you were going to sleep.]

 

"[Plans change.]"

 

[No. You bird brain,] 

 

Beth pauses,

hovers above their bubble of joy before

pulling away. Decided. 

 

It wasn't hers to bask in.

 

(no not true- they, they welcomed her)

(lies. Right. Hers too-) (no. Theirs.)

 

She hops to her feet

snatches up her holster 

 

marches off without a word.

Beth ignores Rehka's inquiries, lets them 

bounce off the cement walls of the Food

bank. Beneath her fingers they feel...cool

in a detached sort of way. 

 

She nods at Greg and Ava

who muscle the garage door today. 

They're a couple, got a kid and everythin.

beth wonders where their Junior is 

before deciding he's probably with the 

other kids, somewhere in the compound.

 

As Beth trudges out the sun washes

over her dutifully. The Georgia heat felt

similar to poppin one's self into a oven.

 

the air feels muggy

a syrupy drawl.

She wades

through it

to check

on her

traps.

 

 

 

 

These people were in a deathly need for

real protein. Not that fiber shit- damn, 

she had the worst shit of her life after 

her first meal in the 'Bank. Her body had 

gone without so long apparently 

reintroducin it into her diet hadn't been 

the greatest idea- Fact it had been shitty

one.

 

 _shitty_ , she repeats to herself. 

 

(because it **literally** had been)

 

Returning back to her train of thoughts

she sure hoped some game stumbled 

upon her traps. Specially these days and 

how Carson gave her the "honor" 

responsibility to bring in fresh meat.

 

hadnt that been th' thorn in her side? 

 

Announce it to everyone, so if she fails to

bring in the bacon it'll haul in doubt and 

distrust; on her. Not him. Which she 

supposed was the whole point. Fuckin 

politics in the end of the world _typical_

And this- this, is only what really gets to

her. For the most part she is out on runs 

or hunting or with Rehka and Rajiv (     )

Emilio, they deal with Carson and some

of the more stingy inhabitants, but when

the leader calls you out even SHE must

bow her head however briefly.

 

 

Beth inhales the crisp scent of woods 

as she approaches her first trap. Nothin.

 

 

 

Nothing

 

nothing

nothing.

 

all the traps are fucking empty. 

 

She's so close to snapping, a millimeter 

from losing her marbles- what's left of 

them- and

 

"Beth? Beth you out there? Greg and Ava

said you'd probably be-" 

 

she cuts him off, making swift audible 

movements in Emilio's direction. 'Case he

tried to blow her head off- he could be 

trigger happy when he doesn't pay 

attention. Something she detests 

for obvious reasons, so Beth knows her

disdain is warranted. ( body crackling 

The transferring of energy. ~~Energy can't~~

 ~~be destroyed?~~  drop. Dead weight )

 

[come here.]

he comes.

 

and she wants to be manhandled, the 

stress drove right out of her pussy

An obtuse; Stress relief.

 

her thoughts don't brand the side of her 

skull when she's screwing around. 

 

And Beth needs to be relieved enough

to catch something fulfilling today

Feed the hungry, she pressed him hard

against a tree- a move akin to violence,

but he says nothing. Beth continues her 

welcomed assualt 

 

with fervor.

 

before the real world matters again.

 

 


	17. favorite vice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Beth thoughts...

 

She rolls onto her back, momentarily 

spent. Her pants are pooled around her

feet, shirt tossed aside. Dangerous 

and stupid (

 

does it matter?) 

 

Emilio is silent for once. His fumblings

are shamefully slow and she dazedly 

notes the abscence of "pillow talk."

Silent for once.

 

he tucks his softening member into his

pants.

 

(Emilio) (emilio)

 

He rolls onto his side, Beth fights the 

urge to do the same, but away from the

oncoming contact   **dumb bitch can't**

 **even return the favor-**   _he came didn't_

_he?_

 

 _We're square_ , she thinks and then

seemingly without her knowledge he's

there. Head resting along the curve of

her breast more near the dip between

her armpit  and collarbone then anything

else. 

 

And it's sort of a realization. 

 

The lack of sexual motive.

this is a child seeking comfort. 

 

he isn't doing it from the base need that

ravages her. Emilio talks and talks and

talks         He **does** things like this. So 

she really can't consider this a realization

The truth had been there in every action

of this boyman. He's a person- oh really?

_shoot me in the foot and call me Aunt_

_Sally._ With his own problems his own 

ghosts and and it's terrifying.

 

does he put more stock in them

then 

what

they are?

 

Two human  beings fucking

 

 

 

No. He ain't a kid. None of them are. 

Shes pretty fucking sure age don't mean

jack anymore. Didn't mean shit to 

Gorman  in that room. Didn't make Dawn

not pull the trigger because Beth had so

much to live for- no. Age didn't get you

anything.

 

age is a concept that has not

transcended into this new world (this 

world...)

 

_Ain't nothing worth seeing anyway_

 

she blinks back tears.

Beth turns her attention to the trees 

above; branches swaying in the lazy 

Georgian breeze. 

 

She tries to keep those tears in. Locked

up. Emilio sighs into her, n it

sounds as close to content as what she

thinks you can get in this world.

and the fact she is the cause  is both 

disturbing and mind boggling. Beth is 

reminded once again of Daryl. Because

hadnt she always been the source of

someone's happiness? Her family? The

group's? Daryl's?

 

And it it brings her to what "really" 

really happened. of what didn't...

 

Her fingers tentatively stroke Emilio's 

hair, his forehead, and the cape of his

neck. Almost absent minded. Then 

there's the fact she's prepared to snatch

her hand away and around her knife her

gun- she is a weapon ( but right now,

does she have to be? With **daryl,** and in 

the most impossible way; Emilio by 

extension? ) 

 

Once again of Daryl

always daryl.

 

they were never like this

(never got the chance) but o

h, god they could have been.

 

she wonders if her tears evaporate as

they hit her skin. Flushed, angry, sex 

skin. Not with him, not with Daryl. 

 

_He's not here_

 

might never be.

 

no it's not exactly moving on

but she feels like     She's been thrown 

to the wolves    Raw and bleeding, skin

chapped, peeling with sores that oozed-

ready to eat. Ready to die.

 

She can't give him up

if she gives him up then 

 

how would she survive?

 

It isn't even palpable for Beth, to forget

Carol, or Glenn, Rick. No. she pushes

them away and ignores the haunting. but

with Daryl. He has never left her. She 

can't manage to ignore him. He's one of

the

 

Three people who linger. Judith, Maggie,

and him.

 

Mother, sister, ~~lover~~ .

 

 

 

 

 

who she was to them

 

(Wasn't like that.) with him

 

(They were never anything more then

two people trying to survive.) 

 

 

theres something WRONG with her. With

her brain. Everything is ugly and skewed.

Knows it's where this violence dwells, 

where her need to suffer by the hands of

another is imprinted- what drives her to

Emilio (the safest beating she will ever

recieve) and. And it must be that. What 

is poisoning her thoughts of him and 

their friendship. False memories. 

 

Fake fake fake fake. 

 

The tiniest shift in movement causes 

Emilio to cock his head to the side. His

eyelids are heavy, eyelashes long. 

I love you.

 

do you?

 

do you? 

 

She could count every eyelash given

enough time and she wonders if she'll

ever be able to say it back. The looks he

gives her speaks for itself but she can't

talk and she isn't sure she would return

the sentiment. Besides. all her boyfriends 

ever did was die on her. Jimmy. Zach. 

She's a curse. A siren hidden between 

the thighs of a southern belle, eyeing you 

oh sweetly in her Sunday best, no panties

on even when she steps foot in the

lord's own grounds.

 

She is sugar.

she is spice.

'favorite vice.

 

(she) will be your demise.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. spool of thread sewn into the veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has begun to reveal a routine, a lapse of horror....

 

 

They tell her  about their lives 

about, their dilagent wrath of a mother

Protective and stern father

 

if she squints at the description 

it fits her own parents.

 

they tell her stories, and Rehka, 

sometimes through dance. 

 

she would bend her legs

feet in rythem with a beat unheard

Drawing in from herself. Her internal 

power. 

 

If you asked Beth to explain she

would not know where to begin besides 

that the dance is called Bharatanatyam

 

\- even after Rehka sort of explains the

symbolic hand gestures; mudras,

it's hard to sum up.

 

all she really knows is, it's beautiful 

Rich in quality and devotion.

 

beth gave back

 

calamities of youth group, the wonders 

of choir;

 

The Word means next to nothing to her

now. but there is, a well, a left turn in 

her heart. here she keeps old records 

Scratched up, beaten records, records

she doesn't want but takes out of 

gratification. Among those is this; a 

testament of her youth. Her own innocent 

commitment.

 

 

and she can't sleep. 

The dreams are reoccurring 

a spool of thread sewn into her veins

 

when she comes undone 

 

Beth pictures fly aways, constantly 

snagging. 

 

She wonders if she'll ever truly lose it 

Or if insanity is a long winding road

Her hell on earth. Some days she truly

feels this is her fate. 

 

But it's okay.

she has to be.

 

 

 

 

habits and routine form

 

rajiv takes to hunting

unsurprisingly, observant. 

 

Capable and calm. He's her shadow

Picks of trails with a natural dexterity 

that she has come to admire. He doesn't 

know everything because _she_ doesn't 

know everything. but with a steady 

sureness they Continue to learn together

 

he's not the only one she teaches

But he's the only one she can trust,

if it comes down to it. 

 

Really.

 

 

 

 

 

Rehka prefers runs. the

 

scouting, scavanging, and altercations 

with the dead. 

 

Before every run Rehka braids her 

rapunzle hair, weaves back and forth. 

(Beth's fingers twitch in memory at the 

ritual) Then finally twists it into a tight bun and 

it reminds Beth of Princess Leia- 

 

rehka [that's how they Grady kidnapped

me last time] she informed Beth. 

 

(A walker had caught Rehka's hair 

and Tanaka had-) 

 

and it's fun. 

 

They get what they need but 

there is a level of mundane curiosity.

 

Of the normal variety. 

 

Sometimes they try on thrift shop clothes

that has no use other then entertainment 

and,

 

others they feast on stale

candy because they CAN. 

 

It's slow healing

but it is just that.

 

when it can be.

 

 

 

Emilio's a necessary addition to her new

life. A footnote. That's what she tells

herself. and it's cruel. Not an entire lie

but not the complete truth. She 

understands he cares for her but Beth, in

her mind only sure of Rajiv and Rehka and 

that is about all the emotional capacity 

she can afford. 

 

He never mentions it

 

so she doesn't either.

 

 

and this is a life she can manage. It isn't 

perfect. They lose people, the leader 

bitches at her and she is always dancing

on the razor edge of sanity. but she is 

here and that's what counts. (Right?)

 

so of course, when life has begun to

reveal a routine. a lapse of horror, 

everything goes to shit. Falls apart before

her eyes. And She truly is a curse. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've obviously established who I plan to make it through and on to Alexandria. Beth is getting better-ish.


	19. another funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Foodbank is being attacked by unidentified assilants. To make matters worst Rehka and Emilio- and most of the other able bodies are off on a run. 
> 
> Rajiv and Beth are one of the only "fighters" left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I know ASL doesn't translate directly into English. It's completely different grammar and sentence structure wise, but unfortunately AO3 doesn't even support fingerspelling functions sooo yeah. Sorry :/ . So I'll just say it the way we'd say in English but just a FYI ASL is a lot more complex then how I'll be able to convey it as. 
> 
> Also I hope you're liking the OC's because they're pretty lit. I'm not the greatest at making people but as a POC I want to see all sorts of people represented in not only my stories but all media. So I hope no one minds the ethnicities and if I mess up any part of the culture just tell me asap so I can fix it.

 

 

because it was suppose to be a run of

the mill hunt

 

completely unremarkable

and it was-

 

(being here, though, it wasn't just 

necessity. Was a choice, a way to slide 

the world into perspective.) 

 

It was run of the mill. 

 

Normal. Enjoyable, even. 

 

She had small game looped to her belt

and was heading toward the traps when

she heard a low flat whistle,

the one she came to associate with Rajiv.

 

beth mentally backtracked- wondering,

had she lost track of time? She told 

him she'd meet him by the quarry in 

two hours. _Time fly that fast?_

 

before heading his way

 

She circled around the area he was in

so she wouldn't frighten him.

[hey]

 

he held up his own kills in answer.

[got enough for today], he signed. 

 

Beth reluctantly nodded. 

 

Didnt want to leave the tranquility, the

ebb and flow of nature. he headed off

graciously. giving her a moment. Beth 

inhaled deep before jogging to his side and

falling into a easy stride. 

 

[Think they got the medicine], he asked.

beth thought for a moment. Probably 

not. All the stores had been cleared for 

miles and even if Rehka and Emilio's 

group had traveled a week's travel away-

that area would be empty too. 

 

She shrugged.

 

\- no use in saying what Rajiv already knew.

 

What they thought.

 

[maybe they'll find pain killers for you

to pop]

 

she snorted. [Maybe.]

[Or sunblock,] Rajiv added.

[Ha ha. Funny.]

 

[Your head looks like a bulls eye. You 

need it.] 

 

she rolled her eyes. Beth's head did in

fact burn easy. There was a thatch of 

cow licks and that's it because for a while

she refused to  grow it out, but

convinced by both Rehka and Rajiv

she was now. Unfortunately it

was not a fast process.

 

that's why she had taken to wearing 

bandanas and shades. 

 

 

The two trekked home, joking and 

conversing. It had been a good day

an average haul. 

 

They weren't necessarily worried about

the other two, it had been a year since 

Rehka was taken- Grady never bothered

them after her and Beth's escape. While

Beth never fell for the assumption of 

safety: they had learned to take care 

of themselves as well as she could 

expect them to. 

 

(It had been a hard thing to not demand 

to accompany them. 

 

But things had settled. 

 

She felt trust. She- she shouldn't have.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Aren't you tired of coming home to ashes?_

 

That's what this is. Essentially. 

 

They see the smoke, they can taste the

thick gray in the air. a plume 

Results. Something drops in the pit of 

her stomach and she shouts- 

 

rajiv is already sprinting and soon they're 

neck in neck 

 

running. The sinewy muscle of her heart

takes a beating

She doesn't think, only feels 

and what are you suppose to feel when

this is the third time your **world** has been

set on fire? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They rolled right up to our gates 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

her breath is coming in harshly, there's 

no way she can stifle them. 

Rajiv is coal pressed to her side. Just as

wound up- 

 

they, they are behind the men. The men

with guns and motorcycles. There is a 

van with blacked out windows too. At 

least fifteen people are attacking them

and and 

 

beth draws her gun. 

 

[I'll shoot you get the others.] 

 

he he doesn't bother with a reply, takes

out his own gun and then they split ways. 

 

And maybe this is how she dies. 

 

A failure. A target. A warrior. 

 

She hops over the block of cement they

took cover behind, and screams

 

hollers with every vocal cord. 

 

She has no words but she can still make

noise: still can give these men hell.

 

the recoil is nothing

 

crack. A man hits the cement, brains 

imploded. Bang; through  a bulky mans

throat- it makes a funny noise, because it

nicks the metal of his motorcycle.

 

( she's distantly aware of the smell of

gasoline ) 

 

Beth keeps charging- some are alert to 

her prescence now. She can feel bullets

whiz by her

 

can feel one graze the side of her left 

arm. 

 

She zig zags, runs, ducks and dodges.

beth gives them a target, a distraction 

she'll give them anything to keep their

attention 

 

Reload

 

problem. She hadn't packed enough 

bullets for a fucking war. Wasn't prepared.

today was suppose to be a hunt. A walk

in a park. Routine. 

 

Thirty minutes ago she and Rajiv had 

been roasting eachother on the walk back

and now? Now they were fighting for 

their lives.

 

 

( and then she thinks of all those kids 

who may literally be roasting in that 

building. In the food bank. ) 

 

she slams  her last clip into the gun. 

 

Beth is hardly dodging the shots now,

it's pure luck she isn't dead. How much 

time has passed, has it been enough?

~~will it ever be?~~

 

She points the gun at the ground, at the

attackers feet

 

(even from a distance she can see their

disbelief. _This stupid bitch_ , they must be

thinking. _Can't aim for shit_

 

except, whoevers in the van. They get it.)

 

she prays to every and any god that has

ever existed that Rajiv got the rest of 

their people out.

 

And then she pulls the

trigger.

 

 

( the blast knocks her off her feet, the

car steps on it- propelled backwards 

zooming past her ) 

 

It's like someone yanked out the aux cord

that controls her vision. 

 

Everything is gone. Her ears trill, and 

feel like a painful stabs- she can't hear

anything, and, _maybe this is what it's like_

 _for Rajiv_ \- except he never described it 

like this, and... 

 

and she can feel the grime beneath her

fingers. The heat waves licking her back

side in the not so far distance

 

and oh, god please

 

let them be safe. 

 

 

 **I can't handle another funeral**  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. Can anyone take a guess who is attacking the 'Bank? 
> 
> The next half of the story is definitely going to diverge from the s6-s7 that we know. For example team Family are living Peacefully in Alexandria for a LOT longer then how it is in the show.
> 
> Let's go over the timeline. 
> 
> Beth was in Grady in total, after getting shot, a whole year. Rehka had been with her the last two months, before they escaped. They took around two weeks before they made it back to the foodbank. They've been there a year up until now. 
> 
> Everything having to do with the Saviors has NOT occurred to Team Family. Just imagine them living "normally" (as in, not being attacked by anyone) for a looong time. Things will kickstart and I do plan for the Wolves to eventually make an appearance as they did on the show but yeah. I'm debating wether Carl will get shot in the eye, cos TBH I was always a fan of Beth taking on that part of the story arc. 
> 
> So idk we'all see.
> 
> Comment with any questions, critique, and kudos. Thanks!
> 
> Oh and extra thanks to my faithful commentor! You rock! Reading your comments are a highlight to my day lol.


	20. if I didn't say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beth regroups with the remaining survivors. And there are a few people missing...

 

 

Her vision and hearing doesn't come back 

in "a moment"

 

it happens slowly, without intention, and

while she is nothing but sensations;

the grit of battle: it comes. 

 

It isn't just there. 

 

She doesn't know what it is. how it

happened. Maybe it's like being born.

growing up and, then at a certain age 

memory is available to you.

 

That's what

it's like. 

 

If it can be compared to anything

 

 

Their is strength in her limbs, when the

world went dark and silent. Beth had it.

There was desperation- to get away, to

crawl. just move. Flee from the fire

and her body listened because there.

beneath and always waiting was instinct.

 

down inside her fucked up skull, still.

Predator and prey.

 

She played both parts. ambidextrous. 

Whatever it takes to survive 

 

 

The squirls at her at her hips are squashed

filthy. She is both disgusted and amazed.

at them. Herself.

 

Beth picks herself up from the ground, 

at the hedge of the forest. How had she

gotten so far? 

 

(She slapped her hands together- sound.

she could hear she, the relief. And maybe 

the most crucial gift was sight.) 

 

it's hours before she's given any indication 

of other survivors.

 

a fervent, pitch peirces the silent 

atmosphere. **Rajiv**. It has to be him. 

 

She runs after the whistles, that begin to

fade in pitch,

 

but still resound in tight

worried frequency

 

the need to call out burns her throat

a declaration of shame. 

 

 

 

 

 

( if I hadn't gone on that hunt ) 

 

 

"Beth!" 

 

Lacy and Junior rush to her. 

 

The children trap her in a hug, and their

is a weight lifted from her chest that

she hadn't known was there. 

 

But. Freddie and Roy aren't there. 

 

She scans the brush, searching hoping 

\- Yvette, Carson, Owen- Rajiv and?

 

rehka? 

 

Beth is sent back in time.

(strapped to a bed, her friend visiting.

Busted fat lip   blooming bruise and a 

haunted look) 

 

\- Rehka is hugging her too, and everything

is scrambled. Why is she here? What

 

beth peers around Rehka's velvet soft 

hair, to Rajiv. And it's peculiar, because 

she hasn't stopped looking, after finding

all that can be found.

 

She struggles to sign, hands pinned 

by the embrace. 

 

He looks stricken, as exhausted as the rest. 

Eyes vivid. [they were followed]

 

(maybe if I went with them)

 

And she manages to peel Lacy and Junior

away- they run over to their respective 

parents (what's left of them) and she 

pushes Rehka back, a bit.

 

Half of her cheek is permanently flushed 

What could be a handprint. A slap. 

Her hair is in disarray. If Beth were to be

honest [what happened?] 

 

because who the hell hit her? The color 

is ruddy against her skin, alluding to the

fact it isn't recent nor- nor an accident.

Who

the hell? 

 

Rehka's fast- compact, similar in build

to Beth. So.

 

Either someone faster hit

her- which, would not add up with the

amount of bruising it caused, or

 

or there were 

a bigger person who

did the actual hitting.

 

 

better when someone else has her back.

that person is Beth her brother or 

 

 

And then it clicks. 

 

[Where's Emilio?]

 

there it is. 

 

That at little off kilter feeling. Why she

there was a hesitation even after Beth 

found the group, and Rajiv. When Rehka

popped up she hadn't, there was something

\- Emilio.

 

 

she was looking for Emilio.

 

Rehka steps away, heaves a sigh. She

rubs at her eyes hard. "They kidnapped him. 

We found the meds. Okay? We were in 

there everything going smooth and-"

her voice shook briefly.

 

"This man." 

 

She motioned to her face. "He had this

burn... fresh. Ugly- and he wouldn't. 

 They wanted the medicine. I 

said no and [we escaped.]

 

We were almost home when they caught

up. They took... [they took Emilio.]"

 

Her fingers are too stiff to ask. It's odd. 

She... she. They

 

 

( maybe if I didn't say goodbye )  

 

 

so. There's that. 

 

Rajiv steers the two girls over to a log,

unhooks the squirrels from Beth's belt

([dinner] he says). 

 

[I'm sorry- I tried. Beth please believe me] 

 

but she's still kind of numb.

 

of course Rehka tried, it wasn't her fault

\- how could she have done anything? No

one could have. But it's the fact she...

Beth looks at both siblings. 

 

If she had too choose she'd choose them

Everytime. Without hesitation. If it had 

been Rajiv or Rehka- she wouldn't be 

HERE, sitting, pondering her fucking 

feelings. She'd go after them.

 

And oh,

she's going to get Emilio back but- there

is time to regroup. Catch her breath and

take care of her people.

 

the difference between what she would 

do for family and what she will do for him

is a confirmation of how ruthless she has

become. 

 

[We'll get him back.] Beth signs.

 

Rajiv nods in agreement before grabbing 

Rehka's fist. [You don't have to-] 

[Don't say that. He's my friend too-]

[Both of you need to stay. With the group

and protect them-] 

 

The two whirl on her. 

[I mean it], she restates.

 

And they look at her hard. Tired and 

frustrated. Concerned. 

 

[Beth we know you love him- now is not

the time to be alone. We need eachother,]

Rajiv speaks first. Rational. 

 

 _Except I don't love him at all_ (and that's

not half the problem) 

 

she shakes her head. No. they can't.

she's the expendable one they mean more

then she ever will they are Rajiv and 

Rehka, Rehka and Rajiv- they can never

be torn apart. Not because of her, not

because Emilio or some stupid post 

apocalyptic biker gang- no one.

 

[You aren't the queen of decisions. We

choose. Aren't the only one who cares.]

Her glare cuts holes through Beth. 

 

But don't they get it?

 

There's no reason to go on without people

to live for.

 

They are it for her. 

 

[You don't get it.] 

"[No you don't get it]," Rehka says.

Rajiv signs something that makes Beth's

stomach squirm. [You matter.] 

 

_no you don't get it- everyone we know_

_is dead_

 

She swallows hard. [yes,] 

yes. We'll do this together. Yes. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She turns the squirrels over the pit,

surveying the downsized group. There 

would be enough food tonight and tonight

alone. 

 

( Maybe if I got them out... ) 

 

now everything is gone. Because of her.

because of those men. 

 

Now she has to coordinate a rescue 

mission while simultaneously take care 

of her people.

 

And, maybe, there is a little part of her

that loves the boy. Loves the shit out of

him. His blabber mouth, and the accent

he tries to hide. The tank girl adventures

he always goes on about

 

so it's a little heartbreaking 

she does care but not enough. And then

Beth has to think of after

 

if they can save him, will he be the same?

 

because those men. They are the type 

that know how to break a grown man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. 
> 
> This is how I plan for them to make their way to DC. Can you guess who was looking for meds? Who has a burnt ass face?
> 
> What do you think about the whole Rehka and Emilio getting attacked? Poor Rehka always getting slapped around. Tbh they all get their fair share of rough in the upcoming chapters. And no Beth doesn't actually romantically love Emilio, but she does care for him. She has a lot of guilt as u can see with the (maybe if...), which is a total call back to Daryl's speech in Still. 
> 
> She has a lot of guilt because in their little society she was the Rick/Daryl of the community lmao. Carson was the "Boss" but he's a bit like Gregory in that aspect. So i understand why she feels like shit about the state of things, but duh, shit happens. She has a lot of emotional baggage TBH. (Wel duh,) anyway. 
> 
> Do ya thing comment critique kudos etc.


	21. you'll wish you did

 

 

"You. Destroyed our home," he jerks back 

to look at the survivors. "I told you she'd 

be a problem!" Carson is in her face,

finger firmly jabbed against her chest to

emphasize his point.

 

his face 

pinched with malice

flushed with rage

 

interestingly 

 

Her hackles fail to raise;

 

the spittle flecking

her face

 

supposed to resonate deeply

 

shame and threaten

Leaves her unaffected. 

 

Detatched, almost appalled.

 

it's paradoxical. ( missing )

Shouldn't she feel something?

everyone's looking

 

watching.

 

Are they for her?

Do they- 

 

**bestial bitch.   Carnal parasite sucking the**

**life force out of his cock and what's left?**

**fistful of cum**

**trail of ashes, her tread.**

 

 **Tracks of dead bodies**   _your collateral_

 

Own

 

it. 

 

 

 

Carson is still yelling

traducing her image. Warping the

telling the truth? 

 

"Let this whore kill us all-"

 

"That's enough." 

 

Mother Russia. Beth blinks, acknowledges 

Yvette in this way. The woman pushes

her daughter to the side to enter the 

clearing where Beth and Carson stand,

 

an almost dismissive shove.

 

Except she knows better. Yvette is a 

mother.     _had a child once ~~Judith~~ , _

underneath steel is a wet beating heart

 

"Said that was enough and I mean it, 

old man." 

 

Yvette unfurls herself. She stands taller

if only 

a few more inches. 

 

His eyes narrow

 

the atmosphere has taken on a thick

sordid quality.

 

beth is a spectator in her own life. 

ever dilatory. slow motion. Never enough 

as close to useless you can get and not 

be dead. That's her. _That's me_

 

Carson laughs. A throaty sarcastic, one.

"Don't listen then, you'll wish you did." 

 

 

 

Beth glances around, 

continues on to the water lake. 

 

Get water to boil. They'd be running 

out soon. 

 

Rehka looks up first before nudging 

Rajiv. 

 

His mouth is a tired line,

Mona Lisa framed by a rural backdrop.

she wonders; distantly. if she had

interrupted something.  

 

Familiar. 

 

"Good morning"

[hello]

they greet her.

 

she nods at them. There's something

else on her mind, running and twisting.

pinching the fatty bits of her brain. 

 

Beth wants to blame it on her headaches

but it's more then that. 

 

 

"What were you planning to do," he yells.

Daryl's hand clamps around her wrist.

She yelps, dropping the container

 

"What're you-" 

 

He kicks the container a few feet away,

Beth resists his hold 

 

what is he doing?

 

"Daryl-"

 

"You risked everything for a damn bottle

of shampoo? You're ass smell that bad 

Greene!"

 

Her wrist feels grinded

bones 

 

"Your hurting me!"

 

Daryl squeezes harder, briefly before 

dropping her wrist. He turns back to her.

Beth cradles her wrist

 

roatates it gently to test the waters. 

 

It's not that bad. 

 

A flare of anger puffs up inside her, his

rogue actions sudden and uncalled for 

well. No. 

 

Understandable? Yes

uncalled for- most definitely.

 

"What the fuck Daryl," is all she can manage

He wheels on her. eyes shinier than what

they were moments before.

 

"Don't you think? Everyone-"

he throws his hands out wide," has a plan

but you. Everyone." 

 

She charges on him. "Was this a plan?

yeah- _was it_?" 

 

beth thrusts her inflamed wrist in his 

face. The color drains from his face, lips

pressed tightly together. 

 

Beth has half a mind to sock him and 

the other to peck the color back, into 

oblivion and away from their reality. 

Daryl's lips tremble. Like smeared ink 

 

he says her name, husky and deep. 

Afraid. She wonders why he always so 

afraid for

 

because every day she's a little less

 

with him. At least.

she can't read his intentions anymore. 

They've bled together and she's tired

 

tired tired tired. 

 

"Beth... you have to be smart." Please.

for me. 

 

She he looks at him, as he tentatively 

traces what he did- the whisper of touch

Overwhelming and (she's spinning? Spinning

spinning)

 

[Beth we need a plan.]

the memory stretches and pops. Beth 

blinks. **Everyone has a plan but you**

is that what he thought      when the bullet

cracked her hea d in two? Did he recall

that day  Did he, did he remember how

he hurt her? How much he saw his pa in

himself. That

 

night he told her. Told her how disgusted 

he was. For turning out just like him.

 

except. 

 

Except "you'll never be him." 

 

Never. 

 

(Did he remember that night   when he 

held her cadaver) (carried her outside)

 

[First we have to,] she began to sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo we're getting closer and closer to an actual rescue mission. 
> 
> Btw the memory is basically Beth did something REALLY stupid over a material good and Daryl flipped tf out. Most of the fall out hadn't been depicted before or after what is shown. Beth got hella ruthless for a sec lmao. Daryl didn't mean to hurt her, he was fucking terrified she had no regard for her life over something so petty... and acted accordingly. Beth gets pissed because she doesn't see we're he's coming from and then they go at it... after they've had their fight he reflects how that act of violence (while intentional or not) is something his father would do. Which of course he is not happy about- and this is what makes Beth ultimately forgive him. Viola. 
> 
> Also it's important because it shows Beth's subconscious "everyone has a plan but you"... very important...


	22. I'll stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tracking the kidnappers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoy... do y'all thing. Comment, critique, and kudos! Love ❤️

 

 

[where?]

 

beth crouches, nonchalant. Eyes

slitted into lasers

as she directs Rajiv's attention 

 

to [Here. They're fresh. Cars pushed to 

the side, clear path.] 

 

Rajiv nods.

 

 

his face frowned into concentration.

He elbows Beth,

[Look!]

 

She sees a dead thing. 

Crumpled and rotting. 

About as unremarkable as you can get.

 

he huffs in excitement and annoyance.

[Every dead one's face is smashed the 

same side. The farther we get down the

less indented the skull gets]

 

oh.

 

there's squealing of wheels on concrete:

(feint. _Stick shift_? As it jerks into the 

next gear, spinning and speeding away- 

then. B o om.) 

 

Whoever they're tracking 

whoever has Emilio- is alone.

Or, one watches the prisoner (say his name)

while the other takes out the dead ones.

 

the boss? 

 

The man in the car was the only one

not participating in the attack.  

 

And it doesn't even the odds by any means. 

They are on foot and the others are in a

fucking vehicle 

Tracking on the road is difficult- the only

reason they got this far is luck;

The Kidnappers aren't environmental 

friendly.

 

similar to her

 

destruction 

 

follow the red slicked road.

right? _Yes_. 

 

[time to double back-

Are you staying or?]

Beth can't "or". There is no going back. 

Only forward through hell. Til she 

gets him back, until she kills those

motherfuckers tear their throats apart

after feeding  them their fingers.

Because- 

 

She had felt safe. Happy. And it was a lie.

a lie from the beginning, a lie til the end 

And she.... all those people. Burned alive.

 

Catalyst. The word echos, always there.

and, maybe Daryl was right. 

All his fault. Just like it's all hers

Their safety was her responsibility she

was suppose to be smarter. Keep them 

safe and alive and and, God she failed 

 

add them to the link of bodies 

packed like sausages.

 

chained to her ankles, dragging along

behind her. 

 

Beth swallows hard

 

[I'll walk you back], she tells him.

[You don't have to.]

 

_i do the same for Rehka._

_And Yvette_. 

 

She shrugs in response.

 

[You'll have to come back at some point]

 

And face them all? Fat chance. Not when 

she can be tracking. Racked up her debt

she owes so much (hasn't stopped since 

Grady, has it?) 

 

His feet make a hard crunch on the 

cement. She halts along with him. 

 

[you need rest.]

 

She stares.

 

[I'm not kidding. Come back, I'll stay.] 

[We already told them you'd be-] 

[-This is your fourth night in a row, you 

need rest and everyone is asking-]

[-coming back] [-where you are.]

 

He reaches out to still her hands.

almost calming. Almost.

 

[I have to keep-] 

[Are you paying attention? I told you!-]

 

something cleaves in two. 

 

[Beth you think we can't be alone? I know 

how to track. I'm not stupid.]

 

[I know that.]

[Why don't you trust us then? Me? This

is our problem. Emilio...] 

 

[Emilio was taken and I wasn't there. I

wasn't _there when I shoulda been_ -]

[Yeah you weren't there. I wasnt either.

 **We weren't there**  .]

 

She wants to scream. None of them get

it. Can't they see? See how- 

 

the stakes are too high to pretend everything 

is going to be okay. 

 

They need to find him now

if they don't 

 

if it's later, not sooner, more likely they'll 

find a dead body. Or a reanimated one. 

This isn't guard duty. It

 

isnt about fairness.

 

about shifts.

 

The longer the group is out there

the more likely a herd will stumble upon

them. or. Or another ambush, or- 

 

so many fucking ways to die. 

 

( and she'll always be the last one standing 

even if she should be dead.)

 

 

 

we weren't there.

 

 

 

we. 

 

(The only difference is she should have

known.)

 

[One day. That's all.] 

 

One day. Beth doesn't want to, but the 

look on Rajiv's face is hard. A little cruel.

and yeah. Logically he must feel just as

bad, he must stay up at night choking on

the flames 

 

of their home; thinking of if only he had been there

she wants to say what happened weighs

differently for them. But it doesn't .

 

they weren't where they should have been

His bestfriend was abducted and his sister

had- she could have been (again). 

 

And he could have lost her. 

 

Not see her for months- not knowing, 

not-

 

so. It's personal. For him, maybe even 

more then it is for Beth

 

trust. She needs to trust. 

 

As all of this runs through her head, and

okay. Okay. She feels whiplash when she

agrees with him 

 

[keep going. I'll send Yvette.] 

 

 

 

 

 

she doesnt wait for his reaction.

get this over with so she can get back to

whats important- (she is just short of 

sprinting back to mobile camp).

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. Basically, two scouts go ahead and try to track the people who kidnapped Emilio. The scouts are: Rehka, Rajiv, Beth, and Yvette. Two people are scouting while the other two rest and travel back with the group. This is so that if anything goes wrong the scouts ahead can prevent 1) Herds 2) the kidnappers from finishing off the whole group. 
> 
> So far Beth has been the main tracker (she has the most experience) and has taken up the brunt of the work (forcefully/voluntarily ofc.)


	23. like maple syrup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being with the group... while Rajiv and Yvette hunt for Emilio is painful. It's also gives her time to process some things.

 

 

she hands the children half packs of

crackers. Stale, dissatisfying 

crackers. 

Butter then nothing- even with the

frustration and hunger written on

their faces she can, see. Food. 

Their is a lot 

of antsy 

hungry bellies compelled 

 

Onward. 

Their cheeks are smudged with grit

shoes peeling unfit

to be worn

 

If only

if only.

 

they're trying 

not to be cranky. Yell

at the top of their lungs 

 

"Feed me!" "We want something

better!" 

 

Deepest desires, to lay down

to cry and sleep (all I wanted to do 

today was lay down and cry)

 

she can feel them. 

Rubber bands, stretched out

Taut muscles. 

 

One more blow will do them in.

wouldn't it?

 

(but we don't get to do that.) 

 

Small comforts. 

She focuses on that, on the fact they are

here with her. Able to continue on

and not undead or dying or

whatever she is _whatever I am_

 

Rehka and Beth make do

hunt, regulate stops, find water supplies

 

on. And on. 

 

It can be considered a physical rest

compared the dogged race for 

Emilio. Still. to see those she cares about

suffer makes her gag, bile rising 

 

leaves her shivering in 110 weather

Rocking back and forth. 

Is this hell 

or is this 

my life? 

 

The bark digs deep into her shoulder 

blades but she's nauseous and 

god why is this so

 

hard?

 

no one deserves this

 

the little babies walking through a 

cesspool of doom. Of gunk and dead and

men with guns (is there anywhere?) 

women and men 

where are your kin? Who left you to die

 

Deep breathes.

 

Because WE don't get to do that. 

 

Her breathing is ragged, thick in her 

throat like maple syrup but Beth picks

herself off the ground and rejoins the 

group 

 

[long shit] she signs to Rehka.

(she doesn't look the least convinced 

but, relays the message to the group)

The kids give meager giggles while the 

parents look on 

 

_they see right through me_  

**you** lead us to our doom

 

No. 

 

(if so, it was fate that led 

she follows and runs after 

those who need her. 

 

After those who bled beside

her and her brethren. They can

pin this on her, through her gut,

she'll welcome the nails in her 

coffin- but this was them. Together.) 

 

It feels like decades. Piled on and on

time is subjective so maybe it is. 

She doesn't count the days

 

the days count her though, she supposes

World doesn't forget. It goes on though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is meh but stay tuned I feel like shit is about to get real.


	24. death sentence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More plans... more of a teaser then anything else lol

 

E is godsend. 

Literally. 

 

Before an empty tank

 

when Rick hauled Lori, Carl, her daddy,

her and anyone else who didn't know a 

lick of sense in this new world, around an

empty tank

 

minds well have been a death sentence. 

Is. n isn't now. 

 

Cause the hunted is on foot 

and she, her people 

are on hot pursuit.

 

She gives her gun to the group

\- false protection, it'll buy them time 

if nothing else. 

 

A rendezvous 

whats left of their food.

 

and good intentions. 

 

Yvette, stays behind with them. 

Her and Carter- (however much bad 

blood is between herself and him, he knows

how to lead under the right

circumstances)

can rebuild. Regroup. 

 

Suspicious man and a warrior who can 

execute

 

 

Her, Rehka, and Rajiv

 

hopefully. Hopefully they can meet their

group. Bring Emilio back. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Yeah. 
> 
> In Alexandria you can go ahead and assume the Wolves storyline has begun to take place. This chapter was really short partly because my life has been busy and partly because I'm still deciding where exactly I want this story to go. Ofc Bethyl- however, I'm trying to figure out if I want some canon shit to occur in this story...
> 
> Also YEAH. Hmu to discuss anything. Thanks for reading, and I'll for sure have some actual goodness to deliver soon. Update 8:53 Ohhh shit y'all in for a treat the next chapter. Tbh I'm proud asf of it lmao.


	25. this is wrong, this is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group has the abductor in their crosshairs. Can they pull it off without a causality?

 

"Just let him go"

 

Rehka's voice carries, 

echoing from the heavens.

 

she wields their pistol with presicion

Body coiled tight with energy.

 

beth is pressed flat,

stones digging into her front

Her knife's hilt cutting

into her palm- _wait_. Watch  

 

Follow the plan

 

the man, his body

is a pin. Stands straight in the

air. "What is this?"

 

rehka pauses 

trembles with anticipation 

Emotion.

 

"You took Emilio- **him**. Give him back."

 

He squints at her

for a moment. Disgust

recognition and anger

 

"You!"

 

immediantly he goes for

his own weapon

 

\- Beth's heart

in her throat

(stop. _think_ )  she begins 

a molless slow army crawl forward 

 

"Where's the medicine? Where is it?"

His face is red as he shouts

 

Terrible burned face

contorts in rage, storming

forward and Rehka is frozen, elbows

dipping down down down

 

this is wrong, this is 

 

Beth can taste the vibration of the bullet

Instinctively, she licks her lips.

Habitually. Feigning for gunpowder

 

he's stopped dead in

his tracks. eyes wide

A new resolve rising along

with panic- his own sense of

survival and will to live

 

rehka had missed

 

but not by much.

 

"Where's my friend? What did you

do to him?" She yells, in turn the

aggressor.

 

"Shut up," he shouts.

 

the air is thick

Dangerous and oh, fuck

 

"I'm going to ask one more time girl.

 **Where** is the medicine?"  

 

She answers. 

bitter, spiteful. 

 

For what he had done

"Gone. You destroyed my home- friends!

It never _existed_ when it comes to you." 

 

His muscles ripple

a nerve had been struck

"You bi-"

 

piercing, aching whistle

 

The man whirls around

 **B a n g** ( Rehka shoots to his right

he flinches away 

 

Beth unfurls her limbs, _up_ ) 

 

he feels her coming, tries to jerk to face 

the oncoming threat

 

the two forces meet. 

 

She is just stopped short of tackling him,

interrupted by her knife: between them

Buried deep in his side. 

 

For a moment Beth is almost holding 

him. An embrace, as his world flips and

crumples onto itself. 

 

sliding slowly to the ground

 

her knife is pulled gently out from him,

gravity and her grip on her weapon

aiding 

 

and the moment is fast and lingering

 

(if she had the choice she would have 

twisted and tore each rib

out. Scrape out his insides and feast) 

 

 

his gun drops, 

she kicks it towards Rehka

Who lets out a low whistle to Rajiv

in reply to his. 

 

the man clutches his wound

pain etched into his seared mouth 

 

and he bleeds. 

 

Adrenaline drums throughout

her body despite his

obvious injury

 

she watches him

"Beth?" Rehka pants in

question.

 

maybe this is the end (or)

 

beth shifts her grip,

on the red dripping tool

cocks her head to the side

 

and Rehka understands

blinks out of Beth's peripheral

Finally. Finally,

 

emilio.

 

the man moans

stringy blond hair matted.

he reminds her of a strung out

tweaker: erratic

 

unsafe.

 

(a peice of shit)

 

All of the people dead

home _burned_ to the ground

their safety  

 

put on the line because this man's audacity?

 

who knows what he's done to Emilio- 

what he tried to do to the others- 

because this trailer park mother fucker.

 

the old plate of 

violence builds inside

 

compacted into the fleshy bits of her lungs 

 

distributed throughout her 

respiratory system

 

lining her veins

and her body cells and

 

he needs to pay.

 

 _he will_. 

 

 

"Bella..." 

 

the familar term of endearment 

slides through her

like a knife through butter. 

beth wills herself to not turn around

 

she's gaurding **him**

 

rajiv toots a short whistle 

'hey come here' sort of way 

And they trade places. 

She briefly palms his forearm 

 

and he nods, smiling

\- everyone must be smiling

 

Beth turns.

 

Emilio laughs, a wet croaking noise

 

doing something; finally allowed to 

after...

 

she quickly evaluates his physical state.

Em's face is thinner- underneath the 

huge swelling of what appears to be

a broken nose

 

the blue and black rope burns 

stand stark against his bronze skin

 

but he's _okay_.

 

[Emilio!] she rushes forward

Because 

 

is this real?

 

 ~~Does she get second chances~~ (she knows

she does. the scar, the reminder of the

bullet punched through her skull is a sick

promise that she does) and the lack of

 

overwhelming trauma 

is not there.

 

he won't be the same

never the same but

her family. Her family 

is okay

 

safe. Complete.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So!!!!
> 
> Tbh I'm proud of this chap and if y'all would tell me what you think that'd be awesome. 
> 
> This is a pretty important event that I've planned to lead the Golden Trio to D.C. all along. Super fucking important to upcoming events lol. Also lemme tell you how much I loooove my oc's lmao. Rehka and Rajiv don't exactly reflect me and my brothers relationship but I do write them with the sibling relationship in mind. Beth's pov can be limiting but I've decided to keep it as hers because as a writer I'm not advanced enough to take on multiple p.o.v.'s and keep it natural and distinct to one another.
> 
> However I love that I'm TRYING to keep the other characters well rounded. Those two are my babies lol. 
> 
> Beth CAN'T always save the day, she has to trust other people and TBH it just isn't realistic to portray her as the MVP every single time. The other characters are as important as she is and Beth ofc loves them very much. 
> 
> Also "Bella" is a term of endearment similar to "hermosa". See also wanna point out Emilio is Latino. No Beth isn't a token white girl / needs a ethnic "love interest" but TBH the show is very lack luster in the diversity department. It's hard to watch a TV and not see people like yourself in it/ other people of color that I can relate to... the world has all kinds of ethnicities and mixtures and it's nice to have people I can feel for. 
> 
> Anyway. Hope y'all enjoyed ^ and does anyone else ever feel that way about media? Thanks for reading, comment, kudos and critique!


	26. eaten by the dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've never killed anyone before,"  
> Rehka confides.
> 
> Beth ghosts her fingers  
> across the hilt of her knife:  
> And like honey it drips, hot and  
> Warm. left at the threshold of her  
> lips, [I've never killed someone without  
> knowing their name.]

 

the plan.

 

it runs through her brain

over and over.

 

Rehka distracts him,

Rajiv circles behind while

the man is occupied and 

gets Emilio out of dodge

 

beth flanks the side 

 

incase things go sideways

Ultimately to help disarm him 

the abductor 

 

Rajiv will whistle once

that they're to safety

and. She and Rehka will close in

 

It's frightening to think of

their mortality. Of, what could

have happened. What still can 

 

happen. 

 

She's the first to insist it.

to kill him. 

 

Because of her own hate, her

own selfish sense of justice

for Emilio. For their people- 

and it's obvious, the solution to 

 

the Kapoor's don't agree. 

 

Emilio is on the fence, mostly

he doesn't know how to feel.

she can see that lost lamb

look in his eyes, 

 

the need. 

 

(Some guidance) 

 

isn't here for that. 

Came to get him.

did. Job done- no, never 

gets to clock out, (so)

 

Beth thinks as she looks

down at the man, clutching at

his side, if the jury is still out

about it another day or two

 

whatever they figure; won't matter.

won't at all. He'll bleed out

or getting eaten by the dead 

 

without them he is nothing 

 

Rajiv pats her back,

tells her she can make 

the right decision. 

 

Emilio shrugs. "I want to go home."

but that home is gone- 

she wants to remind him of this, and of

why but that would require Rehka

to translate. And 

 

and Rehka looks at her the

same way she did after 

Beth stabbed Edwards. 

 

Lessened due to the time spent 

together- understanding, of her but still. 

 

"Beth." She motions her over

 

(it's a uphill battle. Numbers aren't on

her side, Beth isn't stupid even in

this state- and if she can

 

ever claim this as a democracy: 

well. 3-1)

 

They walk out, little ways from the boys

"I've never killed anyone before,"

Rehka confides

 

Down. Envisioning blood

On her knuckles.

Marred and dead

 

Her expression is folded like origami 

paper, thoughtful. 

 

"I thought... you, were so wrong. One of

those serial killers. You ran with me and.

You didn't think twice. 

You killed

for the right

reasons.

 

i was there. Almost everything- 

I knew when we were leaving, Grady 

weren't going to be different after. I 

would never- I can't. I couldn't when 

we faced him."

 

Beth ghosts her fingers

across the hilt of her knife:

And like honey it drips, hot and

Warm. left at the threshold of her

  
lips,

 

[I've never killed someone without

knowing their name.]

 

(Bit of a lie, a bit of the truth)

[You can't. Shouldn't have to.] 

 

"You won't always be there- Rajiv. Me 

and Emilio were out there and he got 

caught and I didn't and even then I 

couldn't- I had a shot! I could have killed

him. The leader. 

 

But I didn't and he's-" 

 

rehka gesticulates towards the boys.

Towards the man. 

 

She gives a throaty, hurt laugh. 

"He's dying anyway. I could have prevented 

this all." 

 

She bends at her waist, hugging 

hugging

herself.

 

Beth wants to 

make her stop.

 

hold her friend and tell her it's 

okay, that she used to be the same 

way- hell. Rajiv and Emilio are in 

the same position as Rehka. 

 

None of them are killers. 

 

They don't have it in them

they aren't- they aren't Rick or 

Carl or Michonne. 

 

Maggie. 

 

\- it isn't her fault, that she 

feels so weak and helpless. 

 

But beth. her words don't 

convey her intentions her

comforts

 

she has actions. 

 

but even her body is failing her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ask him what his name is.]

 

Rehka's eyes fly wide. 

"No- Beth. We don't have to. Please." 

The boys are stiff, 

 

unsure of who they owe more allegiance 

to. [Are you sure about this,] Rajiv asks.

Emilio doesn't kill- but, at the 

same time he makes no move

to stop her. 

 

[Ask him.] 

 

The two girl women stare at eachother.

blue and brown. 

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Telling you shit!" He sputters. 

"Tell her!"

"Her or you? Who's the boss here? 

Gonna do it- do it! Tell Chuckie's 

Bride to kill me then!" 

 

Depsite his swagger

the clammy ashen skin

and leaping Adam's apple 

is telling Beth otherwise. 

 

She drops to her knees,

grabs a fistful of his hair 

blade pricking his throat

 

and there. 

 

Right there concentrated is 

everything wrong that has happened

that will happen. 

 

She wonders if she has enough 

strength to slowly jamb 

the metal into him, centimeter by

centimeter (because inches aren't enough) 

 

he's struggling

but he's lost so 

much. 

 

How hard would it be? 

_Not hard enough_

 

she flings him away. 

[Let's go.] 

 

"Bella?" 

[---], (Rajiv signs nonsense in surprise). 

Rehka audibly sighs in relief.

 

"Fucking bitch! Finish me! Now! Come

back here you motherfucker! Blond

bitch! My name? My name! Fucking 

Dwight and she took my medicine! All 

you! I'll kill you all!" 

 

As they began their treck his shouts

faded into the background. 

Beth tried not to look back.

 

because they were right. 

Being this way _being that way_

they don't always have to be 

 

even. Even if every bone in her

body is telling her otherwise. 

They need peace and their people

and- and, she can't give them

 

that if all they see is a 

bloodthirsty silhouette of

who she used to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So timeline- Dwight already tried to leave the Saviors. Him, Sherry, and Sherry's sister stole meds from the Savior supplies. Got caught tried to run away and they had to return after realizing the alternative discipline would NOT go well- which is why Dwights face is fucked up and why there is no Sherry (she's one of the wives now.) still got a chance to save the sister- and restock the mess they stole from the saviors via Negans orders to Dwight. 
> 
> The super duper meds Dwight needed to get is rare and hard to find/ GET which is Negan ordered him to get it. So happens Emilio and Rehka had those supplies which is what upset the hyper aggressive/ desperate Dwight in totally doing what he did. 
> 
> Ya.


	27. like honey and lemon

 

newfound silence

wafts. empty

 

on his breath

(why me ?)

like ground coffee

 

Behind his amiable front

Emilio's busy chatter

she hears the silence.

 

silence speaks to

her.

 

Always has

 

Ignored it

 

(but she was taught to listen)

and, has

heard it's deafening roar

since Grady. since Beth Greene died

 

emilio isn't dead.

but maybe she underestimated 

the hurt.

 

how does she tell him

tell him

 

how to focus,

focus on the blister burn.

direct it towards his navel 

Tear himself out 

skeleton and all

 

away from the skin

(from the phantom touch) 

 

make room for it, god damnit.

 

She gives him her portions

-build that strength 

give the shorter watch

fill him up

 

anything. ~~_Anything for you bella_~~

 

~~~~

When they rendezvous 

with the rest

 

-he comes to life.

 

reminds her of pop up 

books.

 

They're greeted as heroes

 

she sees him talking to

yvette, Rajiv, Rehka

Real talk. About stuff 

about things. Beth won

ders if it's enough

 

confides her fears to rajiv

[Don't shoot the barer of bad news. Why

don't you ask him yourself]

 

and it isn't about her. it really isn't. 

not about her. This is about Emilio

about her family

 

(not at all about

the ashes.

 

how does she ask?

how how how 

 

when nothin she says 

makes a lick of sense)

 

Rajiv shrugs. [You sure?]

 

[shooting or asking,] because

words and their meanings

are grease in the pipes 

for her; clogging

 

beth would say no to both,

can't ask and hasn't shot

 

[You should try]

 

[asking.] Rajiv clarifies.

[Don't shoot anyone.]

 

Beth snorts. [Yeah.

'Your welcome for 

saving you.

 

Sorry the foodbank burnt 

down with several people inside it!

 

At 

least me

and you aren't

dead' - yet.] 

 

[There's been worse ways. Beth, 

Emilio will be happy you're talking with

him- you can't. Everyone gets it, before

you  at least tried. Now all you do is

shove food in his face and thousand Yard

stare at him. 

 

You shouldnt avoid 

people you love!]

 

she wheels on her friend,

[I don't love him]

 

[Then what were you doing when 

we Saving-Private-Ryan~ed our way

hundred of miles?  There's different types

of love. i love you. You love Rehka- the group.

Understand,] 

 

Her eyes narrow into pinpricks. 

[I am not stupid.]

 

[Neither is he. But if you keep 

pushing us away then what difference 

will it make?] 

 

(his hands smack audibly together

as he signs, his frustration shining 

through.) 

 

she refuses to flinch

[Us? 

 

Is this about him or you? 

 

'I love you?' Right.] 

 

Rajiv's usually reserved,

levelhead

crackles

 

with intensity.

 

he grabs her hand,

thumb pressed tightly into her palm.

 

[It's about us. About everyone- Beth,

 you're not stupid but you run away. 

Because ] he jabs his finger towards 

her forehead. [or because someone

taught you- might be how we'll live.

 

but we're here because of you. 

Rehka wouldn't be here, we would

never found her

 

\- something _is_ wrong with you.

 

We all fit together and, that has

never stopped you. don't cream up

now. Go talk to Emilio or break off 

whatever is going on between you two,

I'm tired of you stressing me and

Rehka out.]

 

he storms off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so. She's here. 

With him.

 

The cool breeze blows 

across her face

she tilts 

her

self

up

 

to the sky. 

 

As if, she could 

fall into the blue depths.

 

Emilio's swollen face

gazes at her,

brushes across

like honey 

and lemon

paint. Beth glances

 

at him.

 

"I don't want to talk about

what happened."

 

His voice is sulky

and maybe he suspects

her discomfort 

 

the pressure,

of the siblings. 

 

But the truth is:

she wants to be here.

 

beth nods. she won't batter

him with questions, she knows

it hurts, and yes she wants to

know. But does she need to?

 

no. Not unless he wants

that. 

 

She hums

 

he hesistantly follows her 

further into the abandoned field

Eyes trained high

 

blue blue blue

 

when he reaches for her hand 

she is ready. Ready to be there

Running away from her people

because

 

of The Food Bank... it's not an 

option

 

just as avoiding Emilio is not 

an option. 

 

Beth smiles, and the clouds 

build a temple for the 

sun to rest upon.

 

_im sorry_

 

"It wasn't your fault. Anyone's." 

she avoids his eyes. 

 

"Don't do that. I hate that- if you don't

want to talk, okay. But when you ignore

me..." 

 

he turns away from her. 

 

"You guys are my bestfriends. You saved

my life. We're forever."

 

and forever 

no man

has 

 

offered her forever. 

 

In this way; 

a gentle whisper 

under the clouds. 

 

when he kisses her

cheek

 

beth guides his hands towards

her throat. Because 

she had a dream

 

this did it for him. (does it for her too

) 

 

Because. 

They are

broken 

 

born to feel 

 

(accepting their roles. Close your soul

off and sense it) 

 

his eyes are light 

bending through 

shade, piercing

and igniting 

 

when he comes

Emilio's laugh is 

honey and lemon

 

And she laughs a little too.

 

 


	28. an ugly confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer to Alexandria

 

dark. Thick

pain- she stumbles to her feet;

wobbly as a 

newborn colt.

 

_hello?_

 

She wades through 

plumes of fog. _anyone?_

unfamiliar shapes loom

before her, blanketed by white mist 

 

Beth is not aware of how long

she stands there, eyes raking the 

dizzying white

 

be

fore 

 

an ominous figure

approaches. Her heartbeat quickens

fingers twitch to her pistol

 

but

 

but nothing's there-

 

rehka emerges, strolling through the

gloom. Her smile is blinding

a soft ray of shine

 

easing away fear

resting the pain,

away with a gentle hand

 

beth drops her hand to her side.

_where are we?_

 

silence

 

rehka walks closer,

wafts long and slow

like the fog

 

The gap between them

shortens, as does Rehka's

smile. at once. Briskly passes

beth

 

click click click

invisible heels puncturing

beth's chest. _Rehka?_

 

Her palms itch. She repeats her name,

chokes on her discomfort

no

re

sp

on

se

 

_where're you going_

 

inexplicable

tears bud,

pressure

climbing

 

high. 

 

(click click click) 

there on the horizon

rehka

 

_please! Com- Rehka!_

 

the mist a wet maze

forwards takes her left

retracing her steps, a circle

\- there's no following 

 

Desperation sets in

an icy slush 

rushing

 

please. Please...

 

beth closes her eyes.

opens them, wishing the 

nightmare would end

 

(nightmare)

Dream. 

 

 _Comeback_ , she howls. 

She throws her head back and screams.

an ugly confession 

convicted through her

as unavoidable as breathing

 

 

 

like vhs 

Rehka's body spazzes

back. Rewinding, unnatural 

walking backwards 

 

back back back- and with

complete disgust Beth 

realizes she had been walking

in place. 

 

All those twists and turns-

ill, images scrawled hastily 

worries imprinted to the 

back of her eyelids 

 

she is not ready 

she is not she

 

 _stop!_ Rehka freezes 

mid step 

 

Hairsbreath away 

Beth could tilt her head 

and see her. 

 

but she wont. 

Unbearable anger shoots through her.

 

_why'd you leave me?_

_how could you leave me_

_to die? I hate you_

_i hate you!_

 

she falls to her knees.

_left me to die. You... you never_

_believe in me or trust me. Do you?_

_answer me!_

 

the fog viciously 

whips around her 

\- into thin air in the next. 

Revealing nothing. (A wasteland) 

 

just her and her.

 

and then, she answers.

 _her_ voice. " **Beth**." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

\- wake up, Beth wake up." 

Beth rolls away from rehka- 

 

dirt and bits bits of loose grass

pasting to her face, sweat ( she thinks

swiping at the muck ) 

 

"Wow, what's up? [you okay?]" 

beth shrugs. [sure. Give me a minute.]

"you having migraines again? We might

still have some painkillers. I'll ask 

Yvette." 

 

Rehka trails off, 

deciding for herself. "I'll get them."

 

[No- I'll get them myself.

let me eat first,]

 

"Now you want to eat? What about

last night or yesterday or"

-[ why do you think I'm hungry now?] 

 

Rehka made a face. "Alright."

 

alright. (Nothing will ever be

don't you get that) 

 

Beth pulls out beef jerky 

\- breakfast for champions, she thinks.

Her eyes fly over the meadow and the

camp. She wonders how many days it 

has been since... since when?

 

the harder she thinks 

the more a solid time slips away. 

 

Away (away like everyone she ever 

loved, correct?) 

 

 

 

Not everyone, she reminds herself.

She tries to hold onto this newfound

resolve as she palms the painkillers into

her mouth, dry against wet. 

 

[ In my dream you were there, walking.

away from me- and whenever I called

you wouldn't answer me. I couldn't 

follow you. That

 

was the worst part, I couldn't do 

anything!] 

 

she inhales deeply. 

 

Rehka rested her arm on Beth's 

shoulders. "I'm sorry." 

 

Beth shook her head,[ it wasn't you. 

It was my sister Maggie. I was so angry

at her. She coddled me when all this 

began and never stopped and when

the prison fell I never saw her again, ever.

 

i don't even know if she's dead. ] 

 

[i used to be different. I could believe 

she was alright. That we all would be 

okay, even if we weren't together.] 

 

beth tilted her head up to the sky, 

actual tears developing. 

 

[i don't anymore.] 

 

"No one knows that she isn't alive Beth.

she could be." 

 

[she isn't. I feel it right here,] beth 

places her fist where her heart is. 

[everything feels so empty]

 

"Don't say that!" Rehka grabs Beth's fist

"You're angry at her. I would be to if 

Rajiv treated me how Maggie did 

but you're cacooning yourself in

all the negatives she was so it won't

hurt as much if she is dead.

 

you can't do that!

You can't give up hope. 

 

And I wish I would have known sooner,"

her voice wobbled. "It should be about 

all of us- we found Rajiv, why didn't 

you?" 

 

[because there was nowhere to look!

Months years! They left me for dead and

yeah it was a mistake but no one came

back.]

 

Rehka watched Beth carefully. 

"They would you know that," 

 

she gave a small nod. 

Smiled through her tears.[yeah. They 

would have.] 

 

 

isnt that the worst part? 

 

They would have come back if they had

known, without hesitation. No questions

asked but they didn't

 

and she lost them. It was her 

and this truth was a sliver through 

her heart

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated. Tell me what y'all think.


	29. like a tilt a whirl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group meets a familiar face

 

his name is aaron 

She doesn't trust him

and doesn't trust him

 

and doesn't trust him. 

 

That doesn't stop her

from leading him to their camp,

past Yvette on duty who 

gives her a cool questioning 

stare. If anything 

 

it solidifies her decision. 

 

She hands Yvette his gun, cocking

her head to the side. 

 

Where are they, Yvette easily deciphers.

"by the pit." 

 

Beth nods. she flexes her fingers that

grips his arm, _this way_ , 

The children and Carson and everyone

else watches her. Questioning. but she

answers no one 

 

(of course she doesn't) 

 

she gives a sharp whistle 

a warning. It isn't just her.

 

so far, Aaron follows calmly

he had stopped blabbering, she 

wonders if he knows she cannot speak. 

Had it been obvious?

 

or had he figured her a silent keening 

bitch? 

 

Emilio sees her first

,"Who's that?" 

but she can't answer him either. 

 

She peers around him for the other two

who are sure to follow. Beth gestures 

to Emilio 

 

and with a shove she hands the

stranger off to him. 

 

[Who's that?] Rajiv asks

[yeah who ordered pizza?], Rehka joked.

[His name is Aaron. Found him up the

road by the

stream] 

 

[Is he...] Rehka began to ask

[He would be dead if he wasn't,]

Rajiv shot his sister down quickly. 

 

Rehka rolled her eyes. "Was just a 

question," she huffed. Not expecting a 

response. 

 

"Speaking of questions can someone 

tell me what's going on." Emilio 

gave a slight glare at all three

 

being left out on such a situation 

unsavory at best. 

 

[Make him, he came to us.] Beth jerked

her head towards Aaron, eyes torn into

jagged blue slits. 

 

"Why are you here?"

 

the man- Aaron drew in a deep breath.

as if he were nervous; or repeating 

a rehearsed speech. 

 

He looked around their modest camp, 

at the grime and wonky set up 

Beth tracked his line of sight to the

 

children. 

 

To the now distant Yvette. 

 

she gripped her knife tightly in response

but remain motionless. 

 

She brought him back for a reason

i can't forget that. 

 

"I explain or you could see for yourselves

in my bag- she has it, um. If you 

could get it out? 

 

There are photos of my community. 

Alexandria. We have walls, weapons, 

safety- anything you could hope for."

 

his eyes shone with excitement

a fondness for... for Alexandria. 

 

He watched them. The lack of calculation

made Beth's stomach 

 

tw

is t

 

like a tilt a whirl. 

 

"I recruit new members. I've been 

watching you for a while-" 

 

Emilio yanked him close. "You've been

' watching us'?" 

 

The siblings warily approuched him, 

to gauge Aaron's response. 

He gave them shrew smiles: scared but 

not terrified. 

 

Beth realized he had known. 

He didn't question her mute 

habits because he had known 

her spine pricked with distaste 

 

and failure. 

 

A potentially dangerous man had been 

watching and she never noticed- nothing

in her had suspected...

 

"-only to make sure you weren't malicious!

We can't be too careful, we've had close

calls with who we invite into our 

sanctuary-" 

 

"If you would just look at the pictures 

you would understand." 

 

He was almost pleading. 

Not for his life but for theirs. 

As if this truly was the real deal

 

"Beth?" 

 

She dug into his pack in response, 

fingers sliding against wrinkled 

Manila envelope. 

 

Soft and smooth 

black and white 

 

images. 

 

Beth refused to be impressed.

grady had walls

The foodbank had been solid 

...the prison.

 

they all had walls but had fallen

 

why should she be impressed? 

 

But whatever she told herself

her hands still shook as she passed 

along the photos, 

 

after leeching out every detail she could 

muster.

 

 

 

( a l e x a n d r i a ) 

 

 

 

Beth heard him, she relayed every word

to Rajiv but could not process 

what was being said. not entirely. 

 

_this is a joke, a sick joke_  

 

( isn't it ? )

 

"All of you can come. You have to -

i hate this word, but audition. To make 

sure you can become an acceptable 

citizen." 

 

Rehka laughed, it sounded painful. 

Like relief and sadness and anger and 

oh, just oh. 

 

[Do you think he's legit?] she asks 

her brother. Rajiv swallows hard.

[I don't know. These pictures are though.] 

 

[They could be old,] beth plays devils 

advocate. because she might die by 

her own hand if her people suffer as 

they did at the foodbank

 

it would be on her. again

 

[They aren't. Look at him. Does it look

like us?] (Rajiv)

 

Beth shrugs. [meeting now. To decide. 

I'll cut him loose but we're keeping his

shit.] 

 

she approuches him, metal shining 

flashing hot. She wonders what it would 

be like to kill him

 

how hard he'd fight 

 

she wonders if he can see it inside her. 

Beth cuts him free. 

She hopes he does

because if he is not

blind 

 

he would know to

never betray her.

to betray them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo! I finally updated. You hoes should actually tune in and start commenting and shit cos chap 30- shit is going d o w n fambam. 
> 
> I'm feeling like there is a time skip between last chapter and this chapter, not too long but long enough for Beth to grow as a leader, bcuz before she WOULD have straight up killed Aaron. Especially after what happened to Emilio lol.


	30. every good thing wronged

 

"You must be Beth"

the woman- Dianne?

smiles, crows feet crinkling

Into a shared blanket 

tucked tightly around the two

 

_you must be beth_

 

no. she's Lazuras 

mans jesus. sickly

disgusting. False (risen

demanded

 

who had decreed such a punishment?

 

her. She.)

 

beth sits, 

muscles clenching

and unclenching 

 

in an entirely unnecessary 

fashion

 

With her weapons confiscated 

-the walls, people guarding 'em...

there is no immediate escape.

 

Her people separated

 _interviewed_ , like fucking 

blue collared sheep

 

she wants to scream.

 

but Beth sits in the fucking armchair.

sat in the hall too, had watched 

her people filter in and out of 

this woman's "office"

one by one

 

some teary, laughing, or solemn 

 

Intact. Unharmed

catered to

 

so beth fingers the idea of a temporary 

safety (a fleeting requisite) into

her mouth like candy

 

she thinks about hidden razor blades

or cyanide. But she supposes the

real risk is fucking choking

 

on every nightmare,

peeling itself. Detatching from the

inside of her skull

 

but the pay off?

 

 

 

So its her turn.

 

"Your friends spoke highly of you. I am

aware of your... condition but I was

hoping I could speak to you alone.

Before anyone joins us."

 

won't be much of a conversation.

beth guesses it isn't meant to be

\- what did Aaron say?

An audition.

 

a recorded one at that

she she sees the video recorder

blinking at her. a suggestive wink

 

an eternal one... until the batteries die,

she wonders if it can see what sits to

her left

 

the thing. Putrid, flayed nightmares

gurgling. over any comfort this

Dianne attempts to provide

 

beth can't focus.

 

the skin is pink

nerves and veins, red raw.

neither female nor male

a manifestation of every

good thing wronged

 

**we trust you**

( **t a k e        c a r e  o f    u s** )  

 

the woman gives her 

some spiel of society 

and before- 

blah blah blah

 

solar panels, malls, congresswoman 

 

Beth couldn't give

two shits if she tried.

 

"May I see your wound?" 

beth wants to strip down til, she's 

in nothin but her boots. 

Right here. 

 

No. _right here_ , 

the thing with its sunken 

rotting face. Terrified at the 

state of its own pain... 

 

instead she unties her bandanna 

blond hair falls, tickling her chin

She shoves a portion away 

Reveals the bullet hole. 

 

Or whats left of it.

 

( reminds her of 

a dirt filled grave ) 

 

When the woman has seen enough

she lets Rehka come in. 

 

 

 

 

 

beth feels a stitch loosen

when Rehka steps in

Wishes distantly Rajiv could be here too.

instead of sitting in the hall

 

alone. 

 

Rehka sits to Beth's right

the flayed thing let's out a 

pained groan. 

 

Her prescence does not soothe it

 

[are you okay?] 

beth nods. sure i am

 

"How old are you?"

the standard question stumps her

 

she was sixteen,

seventeen when the prison fell.

how many years have gone? How many 

monthes did she spend dead

[Three. Or four. Twenty,] Beth rambles

 

she feels dumb when 

rehka relays her uncertainty 

 

is this how it's

going to be?

 

The woman smiles, 

a sad reminiscent one.

"Sophomore? What did you want 

to be?" 

 

the irrelevance 

plunges her world 

dark.

 

_i wanted to be a drunk like daddy. nurse_

_hurt things back from hell cos i can't_

_find it in myself to do the same for me._

_and look!_

_i'm a prodigy_  ( _just give me a little_

 _moonshine n i'm more'n half way there_ )

 

rehka stills her 

shaking words. 

 

"An EMT. she wanted 

to be an EMT." 

 

Dianne- Deanna?

studies her. Beth doesn't 

want to know. She wants 

none of them

 

they flayed thing 

mouth clicks mournfully. 

 

She cant help but feel 

time is running out. 

torn. both equally appealing

 

gathering it in her arms, 

or running far far away 

 

-[ Hey. Only a little longer. They

promised us rooms,] Rehka squeezed 

Beth's fingers before directing her 

attention to Deanna 

 

"Who is your leader?" 

 

 

By the tilt of her chin 

and set of her brow 

'trick question'is written 

in blocky sharpie letters

on her forehead.

 

beth isn't sure how to feel

everyone sold her 

Out, finger pointed 

 

[No one. We're a democracy]

she narrows her eyes at rehka 

_i dare you to change it_

but she doesn't.

 

the congresswoman laughs.

"I think you're underestimating yourself

Beth. May not have been your intention 

to lead your group out there... but here,

it truly is a democracy."

 

a breath flows through her

but it isn't relieving. 

 

 

 

dethroned. 

 

 

A nudge off the stage

Subtitle and strange

powder, rightous, and civilized 

 

[I'm going to kill her]

"Beth!"

 

she stands quickly, as does Rehka 

\- the thing screeches

 

beth snatches pockets of space

placing them between her and

 

deanna 

 

[Tell her I'm done. I'm not here for 

twenty questions 

my people need a home, not for this

destitute Dr. Phil shit] 

 

she lets the door slam on her way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo the flayed thing represents Beth's fear of letting down her people, of them dying and suffering, etc. 
> 
> I don't feel like rambling lol duce duce.c
> 
> Comment, critique, kudos!


	31. with a kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria.  
> Her people- and then there is Maggie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These scenes are out of order, disoriented as Beth is feeling.

 

[i'll go last] 

she sits, leg hanging over the railing 

eyes hard against the suburbian streets. 

 

not because she doesn't want a 

shower- if everything goes to shit, 

at least she could say. She had one last

good shower

 

but Beth waits. Let everyone go first.

yvette and her kid

lacy and so and so, even Carson 

 

soon rehka and herself are the last 

on the porch. 

 

[i smell like shit], Rehka giggles

 

Beth shrugs, unsurprised, 

you just noticed? She wants to ask 

but if she opens her mouth something

darker will drip out 

and her hands are too clenched to sign

a single word.

 

.

[drag the mattresses down from the 

rooms, flip to see who gets the couch] 

.

 

It's scary to admit

a damn dumb thing to admit

 

when they first walked in, 

degrees of adrenalinele

like petals lay at their feet. 

 

safety. 

 

Beth couldn't agree. but w

hen she saw 

 

the butterscotch light

bathe her people 

 

Made their temples smooth out, 

shoulders unclench and stomachs 

rumble a bit quieter 

 

\- early day visits, too early for those 

fluorescent lights. Rehka, hair pooling 

around a smiling face 

 

movin moving moving

laughing. Speaking, early in the 

morning before Grady- before Beth 

 

(before she killed him) 

( _before I died_ )

 

before the machine awoke,

to carry out it's deeds.

 

\- reminded her of than. 

 

Cos those, those lights were off

these lights were kind 

 

and it showed. Really did

in her people. 

 

 

[relax, we have blankets- food. We're 

set as we're going to get.] 

 

she blinks at rajiv

 

_when have those things ever been free?_

 

she grits her teeth. 

Eyes, ghosting over the slash across 

her wrist. 

 

Protection

 .

 

"Not all of us get a second chance. This

is it for you! Go!" 

 

.

  

This isn't a second chance.

.

 

 

_speaking, high society woman, no_

_wonder governing is fitting for her_ -

"Maggie I'd like you to meet our newest

recruits." 

 

no. 

 

she lurches to the side, world tilting to

the left. Gunshots wiz past her 

her chest rises and falls- 

 

Beth grabs Rajiv's shoulder

to prevent herself from collapsing 

 

(he's beside her- they're sprinting 

to the carnage of their home and)

 

he hardly notices.

her grip loosens. No, 

grip gentle like her children

she's breathing, ash on her tongue

can taste their names and how many 

times their parents trusted her to care 

for them she's

 

seeing the prison.

 

 

 

 _that is not my sister_  

 

(she thinks)

 

deny your blood

like peter

she's turning, to leave

 

blood of my blood i deny 

you, and beth does 

she does and does and does

 

 

 

( I feel it in here, that's [she's dead] )

 

but it is.

is her sister, 

 

Maggie screams

slobbering with tears. Effectively seeing

a **real** dead girl walking 

 

(screaming woman on her knees, he 

told her) 

 

Even as beth wraps her arms 

around her crumbling sister, 

she feels doubt. i felt it in here

 

(later when she tells rheka,

i felt it in here. 

I still do) 

 

_maggie. maggie_

 

does Maggie feel it too? 

How certain she must have 

been seeing her lay dead, 

 

now they're hugging

 

and. Beth pulls Maggie in tighter 

because she isn't peter, no she.

judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss

 

she has done her sister wrong. 

 

 

 

 

"Beth, oh my god Beth-" 

Maggie grasps at her shoulders

before going still. 

 

realizing  she could be 

dreaming. 

 

"Please! Say something! Don't let this be

a dream, Bethy don't,"

 

don't go. 

 

beth wants to. She wants to wipe 

her sisters tears away with a vibration 

that means something to Maggie- 

but she can't. Won't. Both. 

 

beth looks at her family

Rehka is crying. Rajiv is holding his 

sister. Her group is shocked but happy 

\- hysteria bubbles at her aching wounds

 

emilio sees it first. 

"Rajiv-" 

 

the siblings understand. 

 

"M... Maggie?" 

Rehka steps into their bubble. "Beth,

she can't talk. The bullet- she has never

been able to, she knows sign language 

though and if you let her go

 

she can-" rehka signs, hello as an example.

 

 

 

maggie doesn't let go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the shower is freezing.

pressure is even low, 

dribbling spurts across her gritty state

 

every sensation a shock

 

Dirt and iron red dribble around the 

faucet, she scrubs. _Scrub until you see_

 _skin_. Rajiv told her and she does

 

beth wriggles her toes. 

she gurgles water 

throws her throat back

in offering. 

 

Anything, anything besides the 

empty tears she had cried. 

 

Or had had they been real?

 

in her sisters arms. 

she couldn't speak.

not fair- Maggie also thought 

she was a Dream, if she had

known what it meant to her-

 

if she had known

 

sticky hot tears. 

Mourning of some kind

 

she imagined. Not relief,

no relief had blossomed thickly

in her stomach while her chest

ached and ached. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Beth is in a shallow grave, she wakes up in pain. She hears voices- her own, Daryl's, Dawn's... a force. Most of the time the things in () equals happens at the same time/ an afterthought. 
> 
> Coments apreciated!!!!!!
> 
> Compliments or critism, both work for me lol


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